Didn't even end up going to baby group today because of the weather i didn't really want to take Justin out in it, it would be different if i had a car but noone really wants a twenty min walk in the rain and then the same again... lol. I'm meeting Mike later when he finishes work. :) I have peanut butter and banana on toast and tea, yay for me. You know what i was just thinking? When Justins older, what on earth games consoles and such are going to be around? because at the moment theres loads and they already all do everything. I'm genuinely concerned at what Justin will be asking me to buy when he is bigger. Justins being merry and eating his dummy the wrong way around bless him it seems to suit him lol so fair enough. My dad lent me watership down to read yesterday so i guess its next on my reading list, i didn't ask him to he just handed it to me lol. After that i want to re-read the silver sword and the colour purple and the rich shall inherit and flowers in the attic & dawn because despite other books being amazing those will always be my top top favorites because they were my first favorites lol. I have nothing to do this morning now so i'm just kind of sat here like oh, saying that though baby group would have finished by now if i had gone, well obviously it's still just finished but i'm not there so like yeah, if i had gone to baby group i would have left by now anyway... that makes more sense but i just really didn't want to take Justin out in the weather, it was horrendous wasn't it? :( The travel cot and car seat are still at Mikes so i think the plan today is to meet Mike half way between mine and chelsmsley wood which i think is practically his anyway and then toddle on down to his to pick them up and then somehow get back to mine... lol. I want a bacon and egg sandwich but i ave no bacon so i am going to refrain and i think i might have a drink instead, oh i have tea i forgot, yay thats always good lol. Robyn text me last night saying that aparently she had just bumped into someone in chelsmley who knew her but she didn't know who looked exactly like me and had a little baby girl called Justine... LOL. And Ami text me being mean because she was at girls aloud and sent everyone a dont you wish you were me text! :( cow bag haha. I don't know why but i've woken up this morning and my arms are aching like fuck and i really do not know why... :( Just like the top of my arms haha. I saw a sign advertising salsa classes yesterday and i've actually took the number down, i might actually go but i don't want to go on my own and noone will come Kirsty has said that she will come and watch and then decide if she wants to actually come or not so i'm going to ring the number later and ask if it is alright if me and Kirsty go and watch and then posibly join in next week... saying that i can't really get a babysitter for tonight on such late notice and i'm with Mike so we'd probably be going to watch next week and possibly joining in the week after... I really want to go and Kirstys found a breakdancing class, infact she found three, one in chelmsley one in shirley and one at the custard factory so i've told her to find out more about the one in chelmsley and if i can i might come to it with her because i did tell her i would go brakdancing with her lol. Though i can't imagine me and Kirsty breakdancing it sounds truly traumatic... Seriously, imagine it? Really.
I swear to fucking god i am so fucking stressed right now i could fucking kill someone infact fuck someone i could fucking kill fucking everyone Justin has been fucking screaming all fucking day because he is fucking tired but he wont fucking sleep and i am going round the fucking bend i fucking swear to fucking god i am so fucking stressed i've had to get him up and he's lying on his playmat playing and yawning and rubbing his eyes and crying infact fuck crying screaming every time i leave the room be it for a drink or for a wee or for fucking anything he's just gone fucking mad i mean for fucks sake tiredness = sleep not scream for 2 hours and i can gaurentee when i take him out later he will scream all the way to there and back because he's fucking tired because apparently sleeping is not cool and screaming is instead for fucks sake i am so fucking stressed i want to fucking kill something or someone or everything or everyone for FUCKS FUCKING SAKE FKILFDRB JH,JVC THBSPO4ALJNKB-9/,MG BXKJFD. and now the fucking laptop is doing random fucking things and i imagine veryone in the block can randomly hear me screaming fuck every so often and i bet they're thinkjing terrible things about me but i don't fucking care because i am too fucking stressed and i just want to fucking kill someone i swear i'll just go on a fucking killing spree one day and kill everyone in the fucking bulding oh my fucking god i can hear a fucking cat now how the fuck can i hear a cat? for thetgyhkjkgbmdskjfgrehbufjk4nbwedsx yuvfyrwhutngnvmd,snwqmnujhebmnfd cxi've gone FUCKING MAD FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. i'm so fucking angry i can';t fucking focus i just want to go to bed for ten mins ten mins would do but no Justin would rather scream to let me know he's tired instead of erm/.... SLEEPING. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, CAN'T EVERYONE JUSTG GO DIE? please, seriouskly\? actually no, i will kill you all, it seems more fun more stress relevifdngtngolikdsfncvdgfkjv cds releivignkjregnjtgnrwkjfc releivion gbv FOR FUCKINGS SAKWE WHYBFK ARE FMY FUCKING KEYS FUCKING UP SDTRESS FUCKING RE FUCKING LEAIVING FOR FUCKS FUCKINGH SAKE FUCK! and now justin is sat all perfectly happy on his fucking mat being a god damned fucking duck for fucks sake. I'm putting him to bed at one whatever he does he can scream for all i care i swear to fucking god he needs to go to fucking sleep his eyes are red from rubbing them he is still rubbing them he is yawning like a fucking yawning thing and his eyes are half fucking shut for fucks sake you dont really get more fucking tired than fucking him and the fucking minit for fucks sake nbut will he fucking sleep no he will just fucking scream and i dont even have any of the good fucking dummys left to fucking give him that always get him off to fucking sleep because he's thrown them all and i fucking mean all of them out of the fucking pram so now all i have are two shit ones of of about one fucking hundred wel no thats a fucking lie but i had about ten fucking dummys and now i have two for fucks sake because he likes to throw them out of the fucking pram ive lost about 6 fucking rattles the same fucking way and then he moans when he don't have any dummys or fucking rattles and im like well you fucking thrwew them he's still rubbing his fucking eyes fuck this im going for a fucking fag before i fucking kill someone.,
Justin started screaming on his playmat so i figured if he's going to scream anyway and he is definately tired i will just put him back to bed so he is in bed screaming and i am having a sarnie and if he is still screaming when i've finished then i do not know what i will do other than cry, real tears.
Possibly fallen to sleep...
False alarm, still screaming louder than ever now.
Is this the part where i kill myself? I hope so, still sceaming, i'm going for a cigarette.
TUESDAY 28th April 2009.
Good morning all, Yesterday you will be pleased to hear i didn't kill anyone including myself and Justin finally went to sleep around ten past one. After getting off to such a bad start the day got much better after meting Mike and having a nice cup of tea at my nans even though i have not lost any weight (i always weigh myself at my nans because i have no scales at home) But i have decided properly now to go on atkins seriously. I even printed out a list of allowed foods the only problem is again my cupboard as per usual is FULL of carbs i have, bread, cereal, pasta, potatoes, crumpets, buns, hot cross buns, crisps everything! and i'm not entirely sure what to do with them, i guess i can try to make some kind of baby nutrition from it, like try him on potato again, i can't have fruit either which is a shame because i have a whole box of grapes which i love and a few banana's but there is no peanut butter and banana on toast for me anymore because i simply cannot eat it. I'm only supposed tpo have one or two cups of caffenated tea a day aswell, i blame Mike for that one being hard because before hand it would have been simple pimple. Talking about pimples i have a huge spot in the corner of my mouth and it is driving me around the god damn bend! Eggs are like a main part of the atkins diet and the problem with that is i can't really do anything with eggs i know how to fry them and that is around about it if i'm honest, someone needs to show me how to make omlet and stuff like that lol. Though i guess i could just have a fried egg for every meal lol. I'm allowed some carbs to be fair i'm allowed 12-15g of net carbs a day but i have to get it from vegetables... lol. I'm just trying to work out what to have for breakfast at the moment but i can't really think lol... I keep thinking of things that are nice but they all involve carbs like anything to do with toast or sandwiches... or cereal... or fruit... damn it, why did i not print a merry little menu thing then again it only would have told me to eat things that i didn't know how to cook or didn't have the stuff to make or something, i'm going shopping today though luckily and i will buy no carbs and no fruit and lots of atkins approved items such as vegetables and eggs and bacon and chicken... Anyway i am going to be off for a cigarette before Justin wakes up and then i shall feed him and change him and put him back to bed and then i shall wash some bottles and sterilise them and make them up and shower and put some clothes away and hang some clothes up to dry and wash some clothes and do the washing up and try really hard to find something atkins approved for breakfast, i'm going to use the bread to take Justin to feed the ducks, Mikes idea... Saying that though whenever people come over if they want something to eat and i have no carbs they arent going to be happy because well, everyone tends to eat a hell of alot of carbs really... Hmm now i know for a fact you can buy atkins pasta so i assume you can buy atkins bread so i am going to hunt this atkins range down and try to buy some but i do not know where it would be sold, probably online, i can't really afford to buy atkins food in general especilly online with a wonderful delivery charge (most likely) and infact, i don't even have the internet to buy it online. Oh gosh, Mike got a taxi into work so he took my card to get money out to pay for it and i told him when he brought my card back to bring me a tenner too and he brought me a tenner and forgot to give me my card so now i can't go shopping until i see him later around three and he said he didn't want to come shopping with me so i'm kind of fucked now really, i've asked my dad if i can borrow some money off him and i will pay him back this afternoon when i see Mike, saying that if i'm going shopping down by morrisons and such i can always pop into the bank and get money out that way... yeah, nevermind then, no biggie lol. Anyway damnit, i'm off for a cigarette because i have 8 precious minutes to myself before sunshinebum wakes up.
Justins actually gone to bed after his bottle this morning thank god, i'm on atkins did i say? Yeah i did lol well i was trying really hard to work out what i could have for breakfast and i was stumped so i ended up having cucumber sticks with cream cheese which was actually really incredibly nice but not very filling in the slightest so to stop hunger pains (thats a bit of an exaduaration i'm just peckish) i decided to have a cigarette and cook a chicken fillet thing and that took a while obviously and now Justins gone to bed and i have turned that chicken fillet into a chicken salad which i will have later for lunch when Justin eats (at half two) I've decided to help me into a routine i'll use Justins so i'll have breakfast when he does and i'll have some kind of a snack at half ten and then something at half two and something at half 6 problem being that then i wont go to bed for a long while after him usually and i will probably get hungry then too so i need to devise some nice snacks, i should probably work out my meals in advance because i read somewhere that its easier to diet if you know what you're eating for the day so later i'm having my chicken salad and then later later i'm going to try my best to make an omlet even though i'm pretty sure i can't even spell it lol. I think the cucumber sticks and cream cheese thing is more of a snack than a breakfast though so i need to fiddle around with things and work out what i can do meal wise i know there's websites with thousands of recepies but i can't get online at the moment so i don't realy know what to do i would say i'll go buy a book of atkins recepies but i have no clue where they would sell one and i don't really have the money lol i need to go shopping at some point today but it is hell going on my own with the pram because i can't get a trolly or anything so it is just hell and noone has text me back being nice and saying they will come with me yet, anyway i'm going to go for a nap and get up around half 11 12 and then i will ring people and see if anyone wants to come, i still have things to do like washing up and washing clothes but i'm really tired, actually its not even that, it's boredom it really is because every morning i wake up and i'm wide awake and if i have things to do and places to go then i'm good all day until i go to bed but if i get bored then i just get tired and go to sleep but the more i sleep in the day the more tired i get, how odd is that? I hate being bored. I'm reading watership down at the moment but i don't feel like reading anymore i'm about 1/5 of the way through it and i'm not sure how i feel about it yet. lol. Anyway, tattybyes.
WEDNESDAY 29th April 2009.
My life, is a shame i mean sham, well, both. But so that you are aware of the difference i shall tell you now that unlike monday i am not suicidal in an angry way. I am just having a sham, a major sham. I have an ethical trauma of life that i simply cannot tell you about due to certain people that read my blog and well, it is not my business to tell everyone but i shall simply say that it involves drugs. Now, that is not the worst of it. I am poor, poor as a poor thing. I have half a box of fags and no money and i am yet to pay my bills. I have however brought shopping, but, to add to the sham that is my life, i have already eaten most of it, including most of what was already in the kitchen so in effect i have spent about £60 (including baby stuff) and ended up with less food than i started with. I think i have failed on the diet front, majorly and i feel terribly sick, i won't even bother listing what i have eaten because the mere thought of it will make most vomit (not because it is nasty but because of the amount of food) I am not going over the top here, i am being truly honest. What makes matters worse is i know i will feel better if i just vomit because i only feel ill because i've eaten too much, is that alot to ask for really? Well apparently so because it is simply not happening. Justin is in bed, which has given me chance to tidy up and blog which is always good but i am still suicidal and i have a cooking class in an hour and a half and i do not think i can manage i do not wish for human company, i do not wish for company you know what i wish for? More food, some alcohol and a shit load of random crappy dvd's That is how i plan to spend my night if i can borrow some dvds from Kirsty, it's practially how i spent last night, well, i ate a block of stilton while watching John tucker must die... While Mike slept, it was about 1am to be fair. And to make matters worse i think me and Mike might have had a row this morning but i don't know because i never know because i can never be sure with him because he makes no sense and i do not care if he reads this because it is truer than a true thing. As much as i love him lol he does spin my head around in a confused and thinking too much/not enough way. lol. And i think i've upset Louisa because she text me earlier about the trauma of her and nathan and i text back saying i do not have time for this right now, i wasn't being nasty i said exactly "i really don't have time for this right now babe sorry i'll text you later ly x" and i really didn't have time for it i was trying to get about 3 bags of shopping not including the shopping basket under the pram (which was full) and a big huge fat ass box of nappies home from morrisons, it was a major fail, the pram is tiny and the shopping was sooo much it almost toppled over, with Justin in it and Justin is not the lightest of babys! and then there was the box to carry which wouldn't fit anywehre on the pram and no shop had a bag big enough for... It was terrible, truely terrible. There really is little to say about my life today that will make any sense at all my head is spinning in stupid circles, huge circles like, well, it's like i'm dying, my life is everywhere in my head, skipping from year to year to month to week to day to year to the day i was almost three and i ate all the chicken that was for the reception at my mom and dads wedding and i am over analysing every single moment of my life that i can remember and working out everything i have ever done wrong there is a hell of alot and well it dosn't supprise me. How did my life get like this? How did i get like this? I mean seriously. Fail.
FRIDAY 1st may 2009.
I didn't blog at all yesterday but i don't think there was anything major to say if i'm, honest. The ethical and moral dillema involving drugs has changed completely as iguess it is kind of worse but it is no longer an ethical dilemma or atleast it is less of an ethical dilemma, in my eyes anyway. I gave my dad his cool orange push chair back and he's said that even though him and eillen need it this weekend i can have it afterwards which is pretty awesome. :) Sydney came round yesterday and we had a waffle as per usual she's going to babysit for me tonight so i can go to dani's party. :) Last night i spent the night watching crossroads (yes the fail of a britney spears film that i secretly love) and eating popcorn and dancing around to random britney spears songs and wishing i had my cd's from James' because i have all of her albums haha. Also i was texting people and on the phone alot because well that is what i do and oh my god, Carly and chad have split up for good Carly is living in coventry and has a new fella while part of me is happy for her i'm kinda sad cuz you know, she lives all far away now! :( i've told her i'll have to go up and see her some time soon or vice versa or something lol. Justin keeps getting himself onto his tummy and every time he does i'm convinced he is going to crawl but he never does, soon soon though lol. Bless his cotton socks, not that he's wearing socks he's actually still in his jammies lol. As am i. I'm trying to work out what to wear tonight because i don't want to look too overdressed or too slaggy but i really want to wear a skirt/dress. I was thinking gold top black mini and gold shoes but i think that will be bit over dressed so i'll probably go with black and white t shirt black mini and black shoes which is equally as nice but not as going outy lol. I've eaten so many carbs yesterday and the day before that i am well and truely discusted with myself but also i am sad because i have no oil and i forgot to buy some so i can't make eggs because i have no money left now which is a shame because i am going to need to buy some more milk soon, hopefully what i have will last me through until next tuesday but with that being 4 days away or something i don't think that's going to happen oh and if anyone dares say use butter (for the eggs) i will smack them because me and sydney attempted that yesterday and it was the biggest fail known to man! seriously. Is it supposed to work? Are yu suposed to be able to fry eggs in butter? Hmmm. I want pancakes, really bad but i can never remember how to make pancake mix and i don't want to risk attempting it alone and winding up with a pile of gooey mush. I saw myself in the kitchen window last night and couldn't help but laugh i looked a state but was wearing a huge t shirt that says don't you wish your girlfriend was this hot and well it was god damned hilarious, well, it would have been funnier if it were someone else and i was laughing at them but considering it was me my laugher turned to tears as i realized i was infact looking at myself. Oh well haha. I have a cup of tea and that is lovely. I've decided once i've given Justin his half ten bottle which he is having late today because we got up late so everything is a little behind schedule so yeah, once Justins had his bottle and gone to bed i am going to put some washing up to dry and put some more washing in and probably have a cigarette and perhaps another cup of tea though i might have fruit juice instead and then i am going to eat a stupid amount of celery and it is going to be wonderful i've been imagining it since last night and i'm not even being an ed freak like oh mi gosh celery is negative calories lets eat celery and only celery forever and ever though that is a bonus i actually really really enjoy celery like LOADS haha. Haha oh dear, i haven't spoken to Mike since wednesday morning and he has no phone so i can't get in touch with him lol, i'm hoping he will come over at some point but to be honest idk how that would work because i've got a party tonight and work tomorrow but y'know so i probably wont see him until next week haha. That really is a shame lol. Ohh thats what i was going to do i was going to ask my dad if he had a spare phone i could lend to Mike because his is broken... lol. I need to have a shower at some point but i'll get dressed straight after which means ill want to put on what i'm wearing tonight and i can't yet because i'm not even leaving mine until about seven half seven... lol. Oh yeah, me and Justin went to baby group again yesterday it was pretty fun, still no Zoie, infact she dosn't really text me back anymore but whatever lol. Anyways i'm going to go and drink my tea and have a cigarette and then give Justin his bottle and sort the clothes out and do the washing up and shower and all those things... :) ly all. x
SUNDAY 3rd may 2009.
The problem with life is, when it happens i have to clean it up. Wow i'm feeling so out of sorts today i woke up at quater to ten but stayed in bed until not long ago and then i needed to speak to people to make me awake so i phoned Mike and then Ami, Mike is contemplating getting a tattoo and Ami is in bed with swine flu, and Cathryn. Work last night was good but it dragged a bit and then afterwards everybody had cocktails. :). Everyone there is so lovely its really good because i'm always really scared that people won't like me but i seem to get on alright with everyone. :) There's a youth council meeting this Tuesday, and i have baby group tomorrow. So i'm going to be shattered what i'm going to try and do is stay up and watch a film once i've put Justin to bed So that i'll be going to bed the time i usually go to bed otherwise i'll wake up early or something and then everything will get confusing lol. Oh my god last night i forgot my passport so me and Lou had to rush back before we went in to work and search for it and in doing so wound up trashing the entire flat... :( Now i have to tidy it up and i fear i do not have the energy due to lack of sleep, and swine flu, no i do not have swine flu but i do have a really shitty cold. I have to leave for my dads in two hours and i genuinely refuse to get dressed. I am going to walk to my dads in my jammies, well i say mine but they're Lou's, i was wearing my froggy ones but i had a trauma with the tea, i forgot what i was doing for a second and looked up to see me just merrily pouring milk onto the kitchen side because my mug had already overflowed so i now have a very full cup of very milky tea. Me and Nathan didn't start until ten last night and Lou started at nine but because i turned up with Lou Nathan came and met me and we went to the pub before work. :) funtimes. Nathan is probably one of the funniest guys i've ever met lmao and if him and Lou don't get together soon i'm going to do strange usetting and scary things to both of their eyes involving rusty spoons and a bag of grapes. ew. I'm really looking forward to us all going out next weekend i really can't wait we're going to try and keep the same sort of time scale so none of us are all fucked up for work lol. I'm excited because i may have convinced Louisa to wear a crown so i being her best friend and all can wear a tiara. :) hehehe. I feel like theres nothing to write but i'm convinced there must be. Ohh i'm on such a random confidence high today i'm not entirely sure why but it feels guuuurrrrddd. Saying that it wont be long again until i hate myself and i'm convinced the world hates me too. But for now, wow i feel good, i think there's something about not owning a mirror or scales that make me feel better about myself lol. I have come to the conclusion though that i ned to buy some vaseline because at work for some reason i constantly bite chew pull on and lick my lips so by the time i leave they're all red and sore, not chapped or anything, not even dry, just red and sore lol. Mmmm, i like tea :):) I've got to leave for my dads soon, well i say soon but not really soon at all, i'm going to save this onto a usb stick i borrowed off him friday and then post it from my dads computer lol i'm also going to check post secrets on my dads computer lol. I am currently in the process of putting all the pictures from my memory card onto my laptop so i can put them onto the usb stick so i can put them onto my dads computer and stick them in my blog, i have loads and i imagine you'd like to see them lol. I'm not sure what photo's of Justin i've already put up recently so if you've already seen some then sorry... lol. I don't take photo's much cuz i have a shit phone camera lol. My contract runs out in a few months which is always good because i really really well and truely cannot afford it 'm going to get another one afterwards but i'm going to do it properly and get a decent (short) contract with a good phone with a good camera but i'm not sure if any networks let you have blocks nowdays... I do know though that you can set spending limits on some networks which would atleast keep £100 bills at bay lol. Anyway i think thats al i really have to say for now but i'll add later when i'm at my dads because obviously i'll be adding the photo's anyway, cya all love ya. xxx
Helloooo again. :) Right, here's some merry photographs for you...
Here we have mine, Ami's and Cathryns epic boom box cake, i can't remember if i already showed you the picture or not so i thought i'd put it up just incase... Isn't it amazing, seriously! You try making a cake that good with no planning!
Here is, well, just me showing off really even though it was ages ago... Mike made me cheese spread on toast, isn't that sweet ^^^ : hehe happyness.
Here are some pictures of my oh so beautiful son, i'm not sure what you've seen so i just picked four... lol.
And here is my beautiful baby brother harry... :) Isn't he adorableee, he makes big sis broody lol!
Also just at the bottom of this i thought i would let you know that i'm giving the whole blog a bit of a revamping, hope you will like it, i'll be changing the layout in a moment but by next weeks blog the entire format should be different, keep your eye out and let me know your opinions...