Wednesday, 4 March 2009

To win without risk is to triumph without glory.

To win without risk is to triumph without glory. - Pierre Corneille.

Well, okay let me start by saying that i am truly shocked at myself because i didn't get out of bed until 9am, well i got up half half 6 to feed Justin and he went back to sleep so i thought oh i'll have ten mins more rest, then i woke up at nine. I sat Justins pram up yesterday so it's a little pushchair now, it's much nicer and smaller and i think he quite likes it lol. He can be nosey now and have a proper look around lol. Turns out he really dosn't seem to like mash, i'll try him on it again today and see what happens but apparently James gave him some last time he had it and he liked it... So i'm not really sure what's going on. I have the most wonderful breakfast, it is simply ham on toast introduced to me by the amazing Mike, it is beautiful. :) lol. Anyway so yesterday, Ami came over and we had a nice time in town if i'm honest i brought three books, opne i've already read but didn't have a copy of (the perks of being a wallflower - Stephen Chbosky) One that just looked good (The collected dorothy parker - Dorothy parker) and one on Ami's reccomendation because the author is quite good but she hadn't read the book i brought (Remember me - Melvyn bragg) Thats the one i'm reading at the moment, i've only read the first chapter so far but it is beautiful already. I ended up half an hour late for my doctors appointment but it wasn't too bad, i have another one next week but this time she's coming out to see me which, is, new. I'm not really sure what else to say about it to be honest, our plan is to take Justin for a walk and walk and talk, atleast i won't look mad, that mad. lol. I'm starving this morning! I may have to go make myself some more breakfast. Oh my god, i love typo's sometimes, i just wrote i may have to go make my elf some more breakfast! hahahahahaha. I don't know why but i found that highly amusing. Me and Ami sorted through a bunch of my clothes and shoes and yet again i actually threw some things away i'm very proud of myself truth be told. Oh yea, incase any of you were curious, i came on this morning after taking the morning after pill last week. :). I'm trying to leave my legs in a hidiously hairy state so i can wax them lol and this time i will actually do it, i swear! lol. Oh my god, i was painting my nails yesterday evening and Mike came over and while i was painting my nails he decided he wanted a go so i reluctantly let him after alot of complaining and he can actually paint nails haha sometimes i worry thate he's gay. lmfao. I don't actually, but like, you know what i mean... lol. Robyns coming over today we've decided to get ready together and go to the announcement thingy together but i don't know what to wear, robyn is wearing a dress because she has a party afterwards but i want to wear a dress simply because i want to dress up lol. I like dresses, hehe. I still can't find anything to wear to my rocky horror picture show party so the only thing i can think of is looking online but if were to order something online it just blatently wouldn't come in time and i quite clearly can't afford to go to a proper costume shop lol, i need to order my wardrobe and stuff, i say and stuff but i'm not even sure what i need. I need... A cot, and a cot matress obviously, a highchair, a sofa, a wardrobe, drawers and well i think thats it on the list of things i really really NEED. I would like some mirrors though and soem wall art or something considering i can't decorate, and a clock, and some blinds lol. I want some nice wall art or something but it is so expensive i'm contemplating doing my own, only that would be a shame, i may get some cheap wallpaper and frame it, lol but it would probably end up working out the same bloody price because that's my life lol. I could cheat and use someones printer (provided i brought some nice printer paper) I may attempt to fashion something nice out of magazines, newspapers. Or ebay something, god knows lol. I do know mind that i'm going for a cigarette and to grab something to eat before Justin is due his bottle in twenty mins ish, ly all.

Robyn was talking earlier about her friend, who like me has a baby and she was saying how she always compares me to her and that i am a better mom because she's always leaving the baby with friends and family to go out on the piss and it made me think, people are always offering to babysit for me so i can go out and if i were to take them up, would they say that about me? I mean, on occasion i do need a babysitter for instance yesterday when i had my doctors appointment, so, do people already say that about me. Since having Justin i have changed so much as a person, and sadly not only in a good way, obviously now i don't do alot of things that i was doing say a year and a half ago and i wouldn't even think of doing some of those things now and in that waty i've changed for the better, but its like. I used to be the kind of girl who really really did not give a damn what anybody thought about me, not at all and i know alot of people say that but really they do but i honestly didn't evenything i did i did for me and if anyone didn't like it, stuff them, though obviously like every other person in the world i sought approval from my friends but if i didn't get it then fuck them i was going to do it anyway. Whereas now even though i don't really care what people think about me in some ways i've noticed i am so so so so so overly paranoid about the things people may or not be saying about me and Justin and the way i am with him. I think it's mainly because even i'm not sure if i'm doing things right and i wasn't prepared in the slightest and well if i'm honest i'm just taking things as they come and hoping i don't cock up big style but i don't really know what i'm doing nd i think thats why i worry wyhat people might say because surely if i can think it about myself then people can say it about me? I don't like it when people discuss other peoples parenting skills with me because it makes me doubt my own and it makes me think perhaps they do the same thing with other people about me.So i would like to just say to well everyone, i am entirely new to this, i don't know what i'm doing half of the time and i agree with that and if i'm doing something wrong, please, tell me, not someone else. It's like if i'm out and Justin has a strop people give me such terrible looks asif i am just a major failure and i can't help but wonder what they're thinking. I have amazing friends and an amazing family and i know that they are and will always be there to help but when it all boils down to it, not only am i new to this, not only did i never even like children that alone want one of my own (just to clarify i am happier than ever that i have Justin) but i am in effect doing this on my own. I don't know, i just worry what people might think. It's kind of like, i don't really have anyone to reassure me, you know? and i know that i'm a big girl now and i shouldn't need reassurance in everything that i do but i do, i don't know why but yeah, i do that's just me and i probably always will because i don't think i will ever have to confidence to completely reassure myself, i'm sorry about that. I'd just like to add before i continue that i am not depressed or sad or anything like that, just thinking, and paranoid lol. And come to think of it extreemly tired lol. I've finally done the washing up and i think i am going to go to bed in a moment, there's nothing else to do and it gets very boring and lonely here sometimes. I didn't get elected by the way, Robyn didn't either, but a big congratulations to everyone that did. :). I'm going to Ikea tomorrow with Ami to order my cot and sofa and such lol and i'm getting my wardrobe from argos because it is actually the better value for money choice. :) Mike has a gig on the whatever date he told me but i forgot because i am a failure of a girlfriend lol, James is supposed to be having Justin that date though so hopefully i'll be able to go. :). I'm really looking forward to the pub saturday night, i plan to lie under the stars when i leave with some form of intoxicating chemical. I only have two cigarettes left and it is truely upsetting because i can't go to the shop, for starters it is shut and even if it wasn't Justin is asleep, bless his little cotton socks he didn't sleep at all while we were out tonight, i feel bad for the poor thing, i wouldn't have taken him with me but i couldn't get a babysitter lol. Not sure what time he is going to wake up tomorrow morning now, lol. I need to take my rubbish out, and sort out the washing, and do the vaccuming, and make up some bottles and then after all that is done i can finally go to bed, i'm so so so so tired. and it isn't even late. Right, well that is going to have to be it for now because i am going to go and smoke one of my last cigarettes and make up some bottles and have a cup of tea and cry myself to sleep, well no, i won't cry myself to sleep but i am feeling very strange today, not sad, but not happy, but, well, i don't really know, just, strange. lol. I think that will probably do for tonight.

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