A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.

A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for. - William Shedd.

7:11am.
Snow snow snow snow snow, it is very beautiful, only i wish i had more snow appropriate clothing. :( lol. I have my meeting in a few hours, well in just under four lol. and Ami is coming over at ten to come with me lol. Wouldn't it be great if they just handed over the keys today. :) lol. Well actually great as it would be i still wouldn't be able to move it because in all fairness it depends on how long it takes for my community care grant to come through, i can't very well live in an empty flat type thingy can i? lol. Well, i alone could and like survive on takeaways and such but obviously i need certain things to be able to look after Justin such as a fridge and a microwave and stuff lolz. I text everyone in my phone book saying "i realise no sane person is awake at such an hour but i thought i'd text anyway because of the beautiful snow, shockingly enough i've had three different people reply, LOLZ. Louisa was one of them she wants me to phone her so i will be back in a couple of moments due to the lack of signal inside lol. Back, lol. It is very cold outside, i really do ned to get some new gloves i think lol especially if this is going to be the weather for a while lol. As much as i love the snow i can't wait for the summer lol. :) So anyway, i didn't blog much yesterday at all i went to Louisa's in the morning about twelve as i said lol and we had a merry time and watched shameless and being human which is you haven't heard of it is about a wearwolf and a vampire and a ghost and the ghost is sugar from sugar rush and she is beautiful :) lol. I miss sugar rush i may have to buy them on dvd because it was amazing, nostalgia times. I'm trying to think now about al the programmes i used to watch lol. Sugar rush 1&2, life as we know it, that was amazing before it got cut :( sad times lol and the first series of skins, i'm sorry but the second series in my opinion was abismal and i've not even been watching the rest lol. Anyway and then Mike and Ami came over and we had merry fun times and well that was pretty much it, i'm still not reading my newest book proporly yet i've not really had chance though. Carly and Chad have split up the poor things so i'm going to see her at some point this afternoon. Poor girl. I've also decided if she can to cancel all plans for this weekend (which is a hell of alot) and take her for a girls night out if she can get a babysitter and if not then we will have a girls night on, lol. :) Sorry everyone that i do have plans with but in all fairness she's my best friend and she's having a bit of a hard time so y'knw lol. I might ask Robyn if i can take her to her party but got knows lol. Last time Carly was having a hard time and we went to a party together we ended up not being friends for absoloutlyyyy agesss. :( sad times, i think now though we are better friends than we used to be so things will be good lol. :) Justin is fast asleep after his half 6 bottle lol. I've got such a bad cough now it isn't even funny. I'm just boiling the kettle to make some bottles up. :) So bored, so so so so so bored. Lol i don't know what to have for breakfast, i think i'll probably end up just having toast or something but still lol. Can't wait until i move in to my new place, i really do like the independance even though i've probably spelt it wrong lol. Then again along with that i don't want to get lonely lol, i hate being bored and lonely i can gaurentee i'll be having someone stop over almost every night lol. I could really do with my copy of the marrige certificate to take today but i have no clue where it is lol i have my passport and birth certificate but like, they obviously have my maiden name on and i have letters and such but obviously they just have my married name on lol i don't have any kind of proof i'm both people haha, oh actually hang on my maiden name and my married name are on Justin's big birth certificate so if i take that with me that should work? Now i know it is in a bag full of important i cannot loose type things, but damnit where is the bag? lol i hate my life and my unorganisedness. It's because i have so much stuff in a little box room lol when i move into my new place i'll be a little more organised i think. I know i wasn't exactly a domestic goddess at the hostel but i was constantly off my tits lol not that that is a very good excuse it's just, the real reason lol and i wont even mention the house because whenever i DID try to tidy up, someone thought it would be a nice fun and clever idea to just make a bigger mess. I hate that man. Actually, i pity him. Yesterday he was on the phone trying to sort out the weekend and i asked why it was he couldn't have Justin at his own home (providing he tidied it up ait and smoked outside obviously) and his answer was well i don't remember but it was something to do with being diabetic so i said "what so diabetic people can't have kids now?" Louisa's mom had a spazz haha it was funny and then James goes "you can tell whoever is in the background to shut the fuck up" so yeah, i wasn't happy about that at all because i paticulaly like and respect Louisa's mom so i went nuts and hung up on him about 6 times and then told him if he couldn't learn any respect to sort things out with his mom and get his mom to ring me and if not then well, i'm happy to have Justin this weekend aswell. At some point during this row he ended up saying something along the lines of, the real reason i can't have him on my own is because i can't look after him. I don't know if he was just being a twat or if he meant it but either way it is true, in my opinion, he couldn't look after him when i was there so i imagine he still can't. Anyway if James was the one looking after him then it wouldn't be putting so much stress on his mom and al would it? Again, just my opinion but we all know i'm probably right. Someone that wakes up at say 2am because their baby is crying and has a huge fit refusing to move to change a nappy or warm up a bottle or anything that like, is well, not a decent father fair enough maybe once because obviously you do get stressed, but every time, including daytimes, yeah.... lol.Haha Mike just text me saying i like snow. Bless him. :) Right i'm just going to make up those bottles and maybe make myself some breakfast. :) Can't make my breakfast yet because Bella is having hers and i want toast and she likes toast so she will get major excited and stop because she has shreddies lol. It is going to be absoloute murder pushing the pram around today lol! I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest especially considering the mother and baby unit is literally down the hill, not down the road, down the hill. LOL. I've gone from listening to Taylor swift to Skindred somehow lmao. How amusing. Right, Justin will probably be up in about an hour so in about half hour i'm going to go and hop in the shower. :) There's something wrong with the clicky bit on my laptop it is like i'm holding the button down but i'm just not. lol. I hope everyone in the mother and baby unit are nice, i know that there's a girl who is waiting for a place there who i used to know in little school so if she moves in then atleast i will know someone but then again it is the mother and baby unit right by mine and i do know a few people from round here lol so i will probably know someone, but thats not nessaserily a good thing lol. Lol now i've gone from Skindred to Lady gaga what is wrong with me? lmao. I have to have a rocky horror picture show party when i've got a place lmao. I love the rocky horror picture show, quite lots. lol. Just waiting for the steriliser to finish so i can make up the rest of the bottles. I want another cigarette but i refuse to go outside in this cold for such a silly reason lol, well its not that, my feet are cold, thats pretty much it haha. I'm ever so tired and i want my breakfast but Bella is still in the kitchen lol. Bless her. And now Nickelback lol. :) I so badly want to go and see them live but i'm not sure i can afford tickets they're probably sold out by now anyway knowing my luck its something i may have to ebay, but thats not too bad i ebayed girls aloud and matchbox twenty last year lol. I would ebay girls aloud again this year but everyone know that would be interested is already going lmao. I might be able to drag Louisa just because she loves me so much? But probably not. lol. Talking about having noone to go places with, Ami is in london for this years brum pride so i have noone to go with because i imagine Louisa will have silly plans as per usual, but i will ask/drag her lol. I attempted to ask Mike yesterday the conversation went something like this "Mike..."
"No."
LMFAO. i love my life haha. It was a shame last year when i went because obviously being pregnant i couldn't drink and go on any rides or anything so i got ditched abit lol. Though despite not being friends with Hayley anymore i must admit we had a good time and i will probably keep my "yes we are, no you can't watch" top forever. Damn my nostalgia and sentimentality. Pfft, i just did one of those big sighs that you only really see in the films lol, it was quite funny actually. lol. Right i'm going to be off now because i'm in one of those moods where i could spend all day typing out nothing at all proved by the fact that i have been blogging for about an hour now and am yet to tell you anything important at all really lol so clearly i would bore you all though i'm supprised i don't already. :)

11:58am.
I don't think i made my toast in the end, i may have done, i'm not sure. Either way i just made a cheese sandiwch because i was hungry, i would have blogged while i ate but my laptop is broke, well the laptop itself works fine it's just the keypad thingy so i need to either send it back or get a mouse, i'd rather just get a mouse it's easier lol. So i know you're all dying to know how my meeting went. Boringly to tell the truth. I still don't have a deffinate move in date. She said and i quote "I don't think it will be this monday, probably next monday" so thats the 16th. I've filled in the majority of my community care grant form and apparently they take 3-4 weeks to come through so that isn't too bad but if i move in in 11 days then i'm going to be kind of fucked for a little while, then again they provide things like washing machine and a cooker and such. I didn't think to ask if they had a microwave or not, but in all fairness they aren't expensive anyway. I'm thinking i might ask my dad to lend me the money to buy things, well buy the things for me and then i will pay him back when the grant comes through but it wouldn't be a deffinate that i would get it and i don't know if it is a receipt thing or maybe even a voucher thing or whatever, i just really don't know so it could end up with me just oweing my dad loads of money and having no way to pay it which just well, it isn't fair to do that really. Damnit, god knows what i will do. I'm only allowed to ask for a single bed apparently because it is just me on my own, damnit i hate single beds how annoying is that!?!?!?! lol. Also i've been told i'm allowed to have people stay over occasionally but not like 2 or three nights a week that i'm not allowed to have too many people over at once and that the walls are super thin so i have to keep the music down and such, funtimes lol also it is an upstairs flat. :) I'm not sure of the relavence of that but yes, it is upstairs, going to be a bitch to get the pram in i imagine. lol, funtimes. Anyways i'm off to have a flip through the ikea catalogue. peace & love guys.

19:15pm.
I had a wonderful day, i saw Kurt & Mike for abit and went to Carlys for abit and it was really nice, so why do i feel so horrendously shit. I could cry, i want to cry, i can't cry. For fucks sake. The kaypads totally broke on the laptop so i've had to plug a mouse in but i don't have a mat so thats not going very well and i have no choice but to use it in the kitchen because there's nowhere else with a big enough surface for me to put the laptop on and be able to use the mat. I want to go up to bed and kill myself. I need a drink, i want a drink so bad. Or something, god knows, i don't care what, something. I don't know what the fuck i was thinking having a baby, i love him to bits and i stand by the fact that he is the best thing to ever happen to me but christ, i don't know what i'm doing and everyone fucking knows it. I'm pitiful, i really fucking am. I'd laugh at me if i wasn't me. You know i don't even know what kind of a person i am but i bet if i was a different person i wouldn't like me, i'd probably stab me just to put me out of my misery. I mean really. I just spent i don't even know how long lying in the snow, yes lying in the snow with a pack of marlboro lights on the phone to Ami. and even that didn't make me feel any better infact my exact words were "I'm going to get hypothermia but i don't care, infact i would welcome it at the moment" Bring on the icy death. Bring on any kind of death. For some reason it keeps deleting the last sentance i wrote every few sentances and it is making me heavily suicidal because i keep having to type things out twice. Not that i'm not already heavily suicidal. And my brother is eating spagetti bol next to me with an electric twisty fork thing and i fear i am going to get his dinner flicked all over me. You know, i would not even care, bring on the food coverage, i do not care. I need a drink. My dad just asked me if bright lights by matchbox twenty was in the charts, as if i'd know, i listen to it anyway and i pay little attention to life, that alone the music charts. Christ. I feel like a zombie, only i'm not, i wish i were. Zombie motherr, fun times. I need a drink. Its taking ridiculous amounts of effort not to steal my brothers fork jam it into my throat and turn it on, just for shits and giggles. And now im talking to my god damned laptop, im having an actual argument with it. God help me. Where was i anyway because i started rambling about suicide. Oh, about me being a terrible mother and person, there's one thing i won't diss about myself mind, i'm a good friend, well i think i am. Well, in a way. If you were to ask anyone i had plans with this weekend they'd probably say no fuck off but if tyou were to ask Carly who i've canceled all plans for then she would probably say yes, so i guess maybe i'm not a good friend, i don't know, i don't care, i don't have to be my friend. Then again, noone has to be my friend, i imagine noone will be by the end of the year, i wouldn't blame them mind. I wouldn't be my friend, as i said, i'd probably stab me. I'm finding it hard not to at the moment and i am me if i were someone else i obviously would. But yeah, i really don't know what i am doing with Justin i can feed him and i can change him and i can bath him, but thats easy. He cries and i do not know what the fuck to do and i stress and i want to cry myself and then we row row row the boat and he shuts up and i stop and he cries so i row row row the boat some more and then someone, anyone even someone he has never met before could pick him up and he would grin and smile and laugh like a maniac. What am i doing fucking wrong? My son hates me and he's only 5 bloody months old, how is that even possible. For fucks sake, what can i be doing thats so fucking wrong? I am just a major failure at life. I really am. I don't what Mike thinks he's doing being with me lmfao i'm sure he will realise his mistake soon enough, how fun will that be. Not very being the answer. Come to think of it, what is everyone involved with me doing? You'd all be better off just fucking off now, save yourselves lmao. I mean seriously, everyone seems to fuck off or fuck me over in the end so you all may aswell do it now and get it ovper with, i can't be bothered to wait for it anymore, i just can't for fucks sake. I'm sick of caring about eople only to have them fuck off or fuck up or fuck me over or fuck, just fuck anything, my husband perhaps? Lmao. God, how can i even laugh at that. My life. It is just funny isn't it, i mean really? For fucks sake. I'm sitting here with so many random and horrible thoughts and feelings in my head and i am doing just that, sitting, staring, not typing. Exept for a few sentances every so often, i've been sat here about 2 hours. Back to the point or question or whatever, what kind of person am i anyway? I couldn't pinpoint a single REAL thing about my personality, i could tell you i am a mother, i could tell you my likes and my dislikes bhut i couldn't tell you anything about myself. I don't think i have a personality, i think i just do things. Wat even is a personality, its the person you are right? So what the fuck is mine. What the fuck kind of person am i. Fuck, am i even a fucking person, for fucks sake surely everyone else in the world could tell you what kind of person they are and i can't even do that. See, thats what kind of person i am the kind of person that dosn't even know what kind of fucking person they are. Isn't that lovely. I don't know what i am and i don't know what i want to be and i don't know why or where or when or anything else. Acutally i've just realised or decided or whatever what kind of person i am. I am the annoying type of person, the kind of person thats gets ridiculously obsessive over random things and people and places and well anything and pretends i'm not i am the kind of person that pretends not to care even though i do care because then when i inevitably lose what i care about it wont hurt as much and that is the reason i do tend to lose most the things and people i care about becuase they think i don't. I am the kind of person who desperately wants and needs someone to talk to but when it comes down to it i have nothing to say. I am the kind of person who hates to look feel and seem vunerable infront of other people but at the same time wishes someone could just read my mind and tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Not even that, just talk to me about what ever it is stuck in there. My head that is. I am the kind of person who annoys the hell out of everyone by simply being the kind of person that i am. I am the kind of person you think you like until you get to know me and find out there is nothing to know but a messed up past and an empty future. I am the kind of person who pretends everything is okay when it really really isnt. I am the kind of person who goes from being so happy i could cry to so depressed i physically cannot cry in half a second for no reason. I am the kind of person who gets too depressed to do anything about being depressed which i guess is a good thing otherwise i'd be dead. I am the kind of person who fucks everything up. I am the kind of person that spent far too long being beaten up by the person that was supposed to love me and didn't do a god damned thing about it. I am the kind of person that put my sons life at risk by staying for aslong as i did. I am the kind of person that was stupid enough to think things would change. I am the kind of person that is stupid enough that even when things are going well i get like this. That is why i am the kind of person that fucks everything up. I am the kind of person that annoys everyone buy never telling them what is wrong. I am the kind of person that is ridiculously confident aslong as i am not face to face. I am the kind of person that likes to pretend i am confident even face to face. I am the kind of person that does strange things, not for attention but just to feel some god damned thing. I am the kind of person that dosn't think until it is too late. I am the kind of person that goes with the flow and hopes everything will work out okay. I am the kind of person that can't make desicions even ones that will effect my entire life. I am the kind of person that is convinced everyone is juding her and pretends not to care. I am the kind of person that is paranoid about everyone and everything. I am the kind of person that will probably never fully trust another person ever. I am the kind of person that hates herself for not being the kind of person she wants to be and i am the kind of person who dosn't know what kind of person she wants to be. And well, i guess that is that.

21:15pm.
I was just on the phone to Mike, in this mood, not good. God knows what he thinks. I also stabbed myself in the eye with a lit cigarette. I said i would, not on here, on the phone to Ami earlier. I am playing flash games online and listening to lazlo bane to keep from killing myself.