Friday, 30 January 2009

Govern thy life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one, and read the other.

Govern thy life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one, and read the other. - Thomas Fuller.

I have a feeling i've used that quote before, but i paticulaly like it so it's okay. :) lol. Wow, so this morning i REFUSE to go back to bed. Justin's woken up he's had his bottle and been changed and had a little cuddle and now he's back in bed, i have to meet Louisa at the swimming baths at half eleven so thats in like 4 and a half hours? Well, ish. So i have to be ready to get into the taxi in about 4 and a half hours lol. I need to wash up and sterilise some bottles tp put into the bag to give to Jan & Al when i give them Justin and i need to sterilise the bottle that generally stays in the bag empty but sterilised along with a carton lol, i like almost NEVER use it but i did the other day in asda. The asda cafe is ace lol if you spend over like a pound you get a free jar of baby food. :) I'm starting a collection. I'm thinking of trying Justin on something with flavor next week, like banana or carrot or something with my little hand blender lol. :) Obviously i will have to discuss it with James though, i don't think i will actually, i'll just talk to Jan and Al about it, from what i can gather they seem to do most of the looking after him when "James" has him anyway. Which i wouldn't find suprising, though obviously i am not there so i might be wrong, just, my opinion. Before i get into trouble for saying so lol. Okay so this morning i need to sterilise three bottles and make two up, i need to shower and work out what i'm going to wear then find it, then put it on. lol. I will most likely have several cigarettes also, i could probably do with having some breakfast too. Then Justin should be up around like half 9ish and then we can play and watch jeremy kyle once i've gotten him dressed and such, oh and i need to watch yesterdays eastenders via tv on demand and i need to obviously feed Justin at half ten and then get him ready and by the time i've done all that my taxi will hopefully be here, i'll ring and book it in a bit, i think i need to go to the cashpoint though like, before i pay the taxi, i'm pretty sure the only cash i have is like, 50 pence lol, if that. Ahh actually i'm also going to check my bank and my ebay. That skirt still hasn't come so i've messaged them saying if i don't hear of them within a couple of days i'm going to report them, they have 100% good feedback though and lots of it so i find it hard to believe they're fucking me about, you know? lol. Damnit. It's COLD. lol. I'm trying to remember what camera it was thatwas in asda but they didn't have in stock because it was only £60 i was hoping i could find the same one of ebay for cheaper but i can't fucking remember what one it was! damnit lol. Was it a erm fuck. LOL. I'm pretty sure it was one of the fujifilm onessss lol. God knows ey, i've put some rnadom ones into my ebay watch list anyways lol. lol i'm listening to son of a preacher man, i'm so cool. I still haven't put blackpool and birthday pics up have i? damnit lol. Right okay here are some!

BLACKPOOLNESS, I've only put a couple up though lol the rest can be found on my myspace.

BIRTHDAY, again, only a couple are up the rest though, are on myspace... I'm off for a cigarette and bottle washing and breakfast and showertimes considering it is ten to 8 and i've been blogging for about an hour i have to be at the swimming baths in 3 and a half hours lol. I can do that, easy... whats the betting i'm late? haha. ly all x
OH OH OH, I have four reviews in one go lmao, shocking i usually get like one or two a fortnight lmao. anyway here we go.

Just over 2 and a half hours until i have to meet Lou, i still have to fill up the sterilised bottles, feed Justin & get him dressed, oh and find my swimming costume might be a good idea. lolz! My tattoo is getting all scabby, ewww lol. Tight hip huggers, low for sure shake a lil summin on the floorrr (8) lolz. merryment today. I think i'm going to go outside for a cigarette i've got to ring Lou in a moment ayway i've been told to ring and wake her at 9am i'm so blatetly going to get a torrent of cranky lou abuse but ah thats why i love her lmfao. LMAO someone random just added me on msn so i said hi and they said...
hey whats up babe, U got a webcam? finally someone adds me, I am soo fuckin horny today for some reason lol
So i said.
Are you fucking joking me? I'm off. Go play with yourself, lock your door though, you don't want mommy to walk in.

People, lol. Christ.
I don't really "do" webcam funtimes except with Ami but that is entirely different but yeah, you never know what could happen, just ask Mike. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. :) lol at life, i'm off to smoke ly all. :) x

Just to clarify, me and Ami don't cyber, we dress as rambo and the blues brothers and such with drawn on tosh's and empty ashtrays.

Wow angry isn't the word, apparently James' mom can't pick Justin up because Al is ill, fair enough it isn't their fault but THATS all i've heard i got a text practically just saying that they can't pick him up and they're trying to get in touch with James to sort out the weekend,HEY here's an idea TRY AND SORT OUT THE WEEKEND WITH THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY CURRENTLY HAS THE BABY? wow, who would have possibly thought of such an unorthadox idea! FOR FUCK SAKE! I can't take him down to them unless they're paying for my taxi lol so if he's not picked up today ten sorry but well i'm not going to wait in all weekend on the offchance that someone might turn up to pick him up. I have plans this weekend and i don't plan to cancel them. Sorry to anyone i may have night time/evening plans with this weekend mind because i'm going to have to cancel them so i can put Justin to bed at his usual time because ONE of his parents actually care about his welfare! Awh bless Justin he's playing with the throw on the sofa, and trying to eat it, haha. He always plays with it though, he loves it. He's on his playmat but you would uess the way he keeps twisting himself around lmao, awh he's so lovely, i don't think James has any idea what he's missing my having his mom & al do pretty much anything, also, neither of them are answering their phones/texting back. WOW I'M STRESSED. fuck it. I plan to go about my day as usual. Idiots. I hope they realise i can't speak to them while i'm swimming so i can't arrange anything after half eleven because i'll be busy. Right, i guess I need to get Justins baby rice sorted and take it with me. Lucky i always do them two bottles isn't it? Otherwise i'd have none made up for him because obviusly i'm not going to make them up for when i get him back until the day i get him back! OOOHH whats this its a text message from Jan so a reply to the message i sent saying "well, what am i supposed to do now then"OH MY GOD.

Fucking hell.
My reply being.
"No not fucking speak later. I understand you can't help people being ill but hey here's an idea... tell me ehat the fuck is going to be happening? i can bring him down to you if you're happy to pay taxi fair but if not then i guess i'm having him this weekend"

So perhaps i'll get a reply within an hour.. i've got to go and get everything i shouldn't have to be sorting out ready as well as everything that i have to get ready anyway so i'm off, very angry.

So i have Justin this weekend. James couldn't find a suitable alternative to having him at his moms and if i'm honest didn't even seem half bothered i'm discusted but more than that i feel so so so bad for Justin, i mean its alright now he's that small that he dosn't really know whats going on but what about when he's a bit bigger and wonders where daddy is? Because i imagine that this is going to be the begining of the end of James being in his life. If i were James i would e doing everything in my power to be able to see him this weekend, even if it meant getting a fucking hotel room for the weekend or wow here's an idea, tidying up my house and smoking outside. Poor innocent little baba deserves so so so much better. I hate him for doing this to him. I know it's not going to be the last time either. I'm happy to cancel the many plans i had this weekend in order to see my son and i've already warned most of my friends that i probably wont have the weekends free anymore i've decided from now on that i'm not going to bother expecting James to act like a father and actually sort something out so that he can see his son. So i can't see me making any plans in advance for a while. It's a shame because i'm supposed to be going to see Amber next weekend, i'm just glad i haven't brought the tickets yet. If James hasn't booked his idea's up and sorted himself out and got in touch with me about it by the time he is supposed to have him this weekend then i will be suing him for custody. I've told him this also. He is either in his sons life or out of it and i can't be bothered with trying to settle it all civilly when he clearly isn't arsed and is going to fuck about. I refuse to be one of those moms that has to settle a crying toddler when they've sat at the window all day waiting for daddy. I won't put my son through that. I just fucking wont do it. I think i am actually too stressed to blog anymore, for a little while anyway. Actually i'm not stressed i'm just upset, no i'm not i don't know what i am i think its a combination of stressed, angry, dissapointed, discusted & feeling bad for Justin but whatever it is, i'm feeling that so much so that i am close to tears and that very rarely happens, sober anyway. The last time i cried (soberly) was at the residential when i didn't think i was going to be able to get home to see Justin and stuff and i was just missing him really bad because i've never been that far away from him before and stuff. Infact, the last time i cried drunkenly was because i was missing Justin & because his dad is a major prick and that was in blackpool. Lol. Anyway i'm going to have to be done for abit so i can go sit in the garden and smoke and sob and smoke and sob and probably have a bit of a rant at someone down the phone, i have no clue who thought, Ami's at Cath's and Lou is at work and they are my rant buddies. Damnit. I need a hug, not like a general hug, like a cuddle up and watch a film and make me feel like everything is going to be okay type of hug. I feel so bad for Justin the poor thing. I know he dosn't really know or understand and that everything is just kind of going over his head at the moment but i can't help it. I just want to cuddle him and tell him not to worry and that everything is going to be okay and that no matter what ever happens he will always come first to me and that i will never ever let him down because i'd rather die than see him sad but he's sleeping in bed. In all fairness mind i told him that before i put him to bed but he has no clue what i'm saying he just giggled and made his little aaahh noises.

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