Wednesday, 10 December 2008

I don't know that i'm strong enough to do this anymore.

I don't know that I'm strong enough to do this anymore - me.

Everything is so fucked up. and i really wish i could just walk away from it all, right now. from everything. My past, my present, my future my thoughts myself. Everything. And i could. If i wanted to enough. I do. But i never will because my son means everything to me. Without him I'd have nothing and i don't know how I'd cope with that but I'm seriously considering the fact that maybe he really would be better off without me. I don't know that I'm strong enough to do this anymore. I'm a failure as everything. A friend, a mom, a wife, a person. I've done nothing right, in my whole life. I've fucked everything up. and its only just fucking hit me. Everything, absolutely everything is crashing down on me like a ton of bricks and its squashing me and i don't think i can get out in time and there's nothing i can do and i don't know what to do and i don't know what I'm thinking because everything is so muddled up and confused. I can't breathe and i can't think and i can't even see clearly and my head hurts so much and i feel like I'm going to explode and i need to talk to someone but i can't speak and I'm so scared.

I'm sorry to everyone for last night, mainly Ami, Lou and Ian. I'm just having a really bad/hard time at the moment, I'm sorry. I'm not even going to bother trying to explain, there's no point.

I've finally learnt how to open the flap to the usb thing on the computer but now I've lost my cable, i was going to upload some pictures of Justin from yesterday. They're really cute as well. I'm so tired, i might go back to bed actually and have a shower when Justin has his 11am nap instead of whenever my brother gets out... Supposed to be filming my thing today but i have no clue what to say, i really like the speech me and Lou decided on but i went and fucking lost it didn't i, twat that i am. I don't know if i can/should even do this. Is there any point? I'm going to phone the housing this afternoon if i don't get that form today. I'm thinking the child benefit people said they would send a letter to the child tax credit people or something with my child benefit details to try and help speed things along so I'm wondering if they could do the same for my housing application and for my income support? If i could get my income support sorted while i wait for everything else that would be really helpful i think its around about £47 a week so that would be pretty good, as opposed to nothing a week anyway. I wish I'd made arrangements for things properly before i left. I wish I'd made sure i had somewhere to go and someway of paying for it. But i didn't, because I'm to fucking thick to ever think things through properly. I'm not regretting leaving, i think it was probably the only smart decision I've ever fucking made, but i wish I'd been smarter about it. I'm going back to bed for an hour.

So Justin has decided that today he doesn't want to nap, he wants to cry. So he's sat on my lap having a strop. I must admit with his eye drops i was expecting him to have a screaming fit but instead he shut up completely sadly i think it was just the shock of his mommy squeezing liquid into his eyes lol. He will probably scream next time. I've still got no clue for my speech Lou is supposed to be texting me to help but she hasn't yet. On the bright side, yes this is the bright side, yes this is the best thing that has happened to me all day I've sprained my wrist again making simple things like doing bottles, changing nappies, making phone calls and picking Justin up agonising. My wrists are so fucked, i should probably get like an x-ray or something. I have so many stupid questions in my head at the moment and no one can ever answer them, its a stress... Was i selfish to leave James? Does my son really need his parents together? Am i being a bad mom? Do i deserve all this stress? Why the fuck do my wrists always get sprained at the slightest knock... Well, i guess a doctor could maybe answer that, shall i google it? I shall. For once google was not helpful. Damn this really fucking hurts. Deep heat to the rescue, only i don't have any, bummer. Paracetamol it is then. I have an appointment with a lone parent advisor on Friday at 1:20pm. So hopefully they can help in some way (with my money and housing situation not my wrist). I'm about to phone the housing and then hop in the shower. Peace & love.

You know when you're in the shower and you stay in there for ages because you wish that the water would just erode you away. That's how i feel. The housing have told me that i am on the waiting list but they can't tell me where or when i will get a place but they can tell me it probably wont be January but shouldn't be too long after. After January is too late. After January I'll have nowhere to live. Then James will have to have Justin permanently because I'll be living under an underpass somewhere and when i finally do get a place, i won't get him back. :'(. even if i DID get a place I'd be kicked out within a month because there's no chance i can pay any rent anywhere. I really can't see the silver lining today. God knows i'm fucking trying, but i can't. I'm breaking down in fits of tears constantly and i have a video to record at 3. "Vote for me *sob* because *sniffle sniffle* i can't do jack *sob sob*. For fucks sake. Haven't i fucking gone through enough already! Yeah there's probably people reading this now thinking "pfft what has she gone through" I have alright. Just trust me on that. I'm not even going to bother explaining because i'd kill myself before i even got half way through. But just trust me i have, and i'm not talking about he said she said fall outs with friends. I'm talking about shit.

I'm cold, I'm stressed, I'm bored, I'm lonely and i'm sick of fucking waiting.

Whoever left the anon comment today, thankyou, that means alot. :) Also if anyone wanted to know, my recording went okay. I'm removing my myspace link from the sidebar because i have a new myspace now and i'm going to be a little more selective about who i add. but if you would like it feel free to request it.

1 comment:

  1. Jess,
    In searching "life" blogs I found yours, first just stop and breath...

    After living seven decades I can tell you that all of your worry, fretting and agonizing over anything this life brings us is useless.

    Today is truly the first day of the rest of your life. Take care of what you can, don't be afraid to ask for help and leave the rest for time to take care of and you will be fine.

    May you find happiness as I wish it for you on this day.