Tuesday, 18 November 2008

We are more often treacherous through weakness than through calculation.

We are more often treacherous through weakness than through calculation. ~Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Well, today has been, eventful.
James was late to bring Justin back, not very late, but enough to send me into a panic, that was horrible and i spent most of the day on the phone to the job center applying for a crisis loan because the child benefit has stopped going into James' account but it hasn't started going into mine yet so i have nooooooooo income, how fun. Luckily they awarded me £100, which i have to pay back when my money gets sorted out. I'm so happy to have Justin back but a little uneasy because he seems a little ill, bring up almost all of his milk & not finishing the full bottle, though he's been quite happy most of the day, he's having a little strop in his basket at the moment though, I'm not sure whats wrong, i genuinely think he's scared of the dark lmao, the poor thing. Spoke to James a fair bit on the phone and via text today, he still seems convinced I'm being unfair by not wanting to get back with him, also he found out i slept with Stephen and is not happy to say the least. He text me saying. "So you can't be friends with me because you dislike me too much?! and the reason I'm so upset about it is because you're still my wife!! I'm really down at the moment and even the smallest thing is tipping me over the edge and I'm finding it really hard to simply cope with life! i still love you and knowing that you're shagging other people already is an insult" & there's more about how our relationship meant shit to me and blah blah blah. There's more that i sent to him and he sent to me but the gist of it is. Me explaining WHY i wont get back with him. That being because i can't trust him as far as i can throw him considering the amount of times he's cheated on me and maybe the fact that even after leaving him I'm still scared shit less that one day he will actually kill me, god knows he tried often enough when we were together. He seems to think he was the victim in the relationship even though i was the one that spent all the time scared shit less of what he would do the next time he was angry, fearing for both mine and my baby's life i was the one with no one there for me when my relationship with my mom broke down and when my hopes of going to college were shattered and when i was just sad in general because you know, pregnancy does that to you. I was always there for him, when he was ill i looked after him, when he was sad i cheered him up, i did everything i possibly could to make him happy despite the way he treated me and yet he's still the victim for some reason. So we spent most of the day having a big debate about that resulting in him texting me not long ago to say "You hate my guts and want nothing to do with me and have gone back to how you used to be! Now i love you more than i can even think to say and it doesn't matter what i do because it doesn't matter to you anymore! and you can say what you like because I'm going to shut you out i don't want you to build me up so you can knock me down again because believe it or not that's what you keep doing and it hurts so much!" Can you believe he has the nerve to say I'm hurting him by leaving him! He spent seven months where if i did anything wrong or in fact even if there was nothing on telly he wanted to watch, that might be an exaggeration but he needed very little provoking is what I'm trying to say, he would hit me and beat me and strangle me and take my phone turn off the Internet lock me in the house and threaten to burn it down! At least once a week this would happen getting more and more frequent towards the end. While i was pregnant he would threaten to hit and kick me in the stomach and after Justin came along he would beat me while i held him, and threaten to kill him, wave his samurai swords in my face and around Justin's basket, threaten to stab Justin and me with his insulin, stupid horrible things. And he thinks he is the fucking victim. Thanks to him i am even more petrified of everybody i meet, i will never trust anybody again and i am convinced that i will never be enough for anyone. I have serious issues and its all thanks to him! But ovcourse I'm the one in the wrong. Its so ridiculous. So I'm having a bit of a breakdown today especially because i know I've been putting up a front to absolutely everyone and i AM depressed and i AM fucked up and i DO need help and i DO still love him despite how much i hate his guts, i love the person he used to be, the person he was when we met and for a while after that and I'm so fucking angry at myself for trusting him every time for going back to him every time and for making him my world all over again every time he made it collapse all around me! I'm even more angry at myself for still loving him after it all. I know i would never go back to him but it hurts that i can't just turn around and say i don't care anymore without lying, it fucking kills me,
Just spoke to him on the phone after offering him the chance to be friends, for Justin's sake and he told me he wants to cuddle me, i told him i only cuddle people that make me feel safe and special and he turned around and said "great so i can't cuddle my wife but my wife can sleep with someone else you fucking little slag" that's what you get for trying to be nice ey? He hung up on me and has sent me 5 text messages since. we have

"Who you going to fuck this weekend then, want anything nice from the house, improve your chances."
"Did you use a condom or can we expect another miscarriage from ya?"
"When you sleep with someone who makes you feel as good in bed as i did let me know ;)"

And after i replied saying, why be nasty you've just lost another chance I've given you, one to be friends right fuck off and stop fucking texting me you're being fucking horrible he said.

"You didn't want to be friends anymore you decided that last week or did you forget that?"


"Okay I'll stop texting you this will be the last text i send you guess you will have to guess when I'm gonna be back for"
(so i can pick up my stuff.)

My reply to that was.
"Don't be ridiculous I meant stop texting me and being nasty and you know it. You can be so fucking horrible its unbelievable. How dare you say the things you did. Even after everything you put me through i wouldn't dream of saying things like that to you. You tell me you don't want to loose me completely and then you push me further away. I couldn't hate you more if i tried. I will come to yours on Thursday if you're not going to be in let me know but if you refuse to tell me when i can come and collect my stuff i will have to get the police involved"

He said

"I didn't mean to be nasty it was just an emotional outbursts because i can't do anything to make you (my wife) love me! I'm sorry!"

I wish he would just leave me alone, I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it all, I'd happily be friends with him, for Justin's sake if it wasn't for the fact that he can't help but hurl abuse at me whenever he's unhappy! I hate him so much its untrue, i just can't be arsed anymore, fucking forget it, forget him, i fucking hate him so fucking much.

Also he told me he's been having a merry read through my diary's, how fucking wonderful.
=] Justin's just drifted off to sleep bless him, he's so beautiful, I've never loved anyone so much he will be due his next feed about 12 :) bless him, then again i think he might have Just woke up, it would be Bella, but i think it's Justin I'll have to go check now. :) Yeah it was him, poor little angel I'm not sure whats up with him. Think he just wants cuddles. :)

Oh & now James has decided he wants to be friends, so we will see what happens in tomorrows blog i guess.
So today is a bad day and very bad day, but tomorrow will be better, I'm sure.

Comment if you read this.
I like to know I'm appreciated. =]

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