Thursday 27 November 2008

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. - Friedrich Nietzsche

13:00pm.
Good afternoon. :) Today so far has been... uneventful. Justin slept through from 7 till half 6 though. :) and now he's having a merry kick about on the living room floor after alot of dancing to Nickelbacks new album that i still can't stop listening to. Brrr chilly today, and always the clever one me I'm wearing a teeny tiny vest top, i can't find my cardie :( I love my cardie lol. Louisa's mom brought be cigarettes yesterday, which is jolly good because i smoked the last one in my pack about an hour ago, actually i didn't i have another in my pack but there was a trauma involving that cigarette, i went to take it out, and the nub came off, I'm not even joking, it didn't rip, it just, came apart. It was one of the most upsetting moments of my life. There is a really annoying ringing/buzzing in my ears and i can't get it to stop, its beginning to piss me off. Ooohhh thats what i need to do, phone the doctors, i forgot. Got mine and Justins medical cards through yesterday, but still nothing from the tax credit people/child benifit people. Damn them... I should have heard something from the tax credit people by next monday at the absoloute latest but i doubt i will have. Ohh Justins having a strop so i'll be back in a moment. Ewww smelly boy was having a poo. :) awhh i do love him. :):) My friends coming over in a little whileee so that should be nice and then i've got my UKYP meeting later but Robyn can't make it so thats not good at all. :( and i can't bloody find the conformation for the gig tickets tomorrow but i know i printed it, ill have to print it again now problem being i don't have a printer and will have to find time in my busy busy schedule to go to my nans. Then again Zoie lives near my nans so i guess if i met her at hers before the gig it would be all good?... Lets hope so.
& here's another photo of my little cutie. :)


You know, i don't think it will ever fail to astound me that i have a beautiful healthy happy baby boy, its fucking amazing. Wow. Also i've decided i'd like his christening/naming ceremony/whatever we have to be on the 15th or March, thats my wedding anniversary and i don't want every 15th of March to haunt and depress me, if i can do a good thing on that date and make a newer happier memory for it, then it will be okay? I'm not sure if i'm making sence to be honest but it makes sence to me. I've text his dad about it and i'm still awaiting a reply, knowing him he's probably asleep, then again he did ignore me all of yesterday, so god knows. Right, my mates here so i'm off for abit ly all. x

17:04pm.
Another Joyous conversation with the wonderful James.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
so you dont miss me at all
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
No.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I just miss having someone.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
after all the time we've been together you never find yourself thinking about me?
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
No more than i obviously have to for Justin, what has there been to miss recently James?
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I'm glad we're not together.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
you always used to say how u wanted to be with me forever and that you loved me more than you could ever explain and nothing would ever stop you loving me
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Yes, but that dosn't answer my question, what was there to miss?
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
and wen i used 2 work at kfc u used to love me comin over n stoppin cuz it meant u got 2 spend the night with me
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
What EXACTLY about our relationship over the past year am i supposed to miss though?
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
recentley things have been bad but everyone has rough spots
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I already missed the nice times because they were long gone before we split up.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Yes, everyone has rough spots.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
NOT everyone has a year long "rough patch" during which they get beaten up during every argument.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
its not all down to me that things werent how u wish they were u were funny with me too
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
n over the past year you've not had any good moments with me at all?
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Yes, i was, because i was scared of you and discusted with you.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
every good moment has been tainted with the thought of "when will the next beating come"
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I know not everything has been your fault.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
But if it was simply arguments and dissagreements i'd be at your house still trying to work through things.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
how bout last week at maccys? u enjoyed tht n u actually started talkin to me like i was your husband and not jus sum1 u had a baby wit
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
were you not here on the 1st ?
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Yes, and it was fucking stupid.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Look, i'm not having this conversation James, i don't miss you and we are over, thats the end of it.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
were you not tryin to work things out?
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Look, i'm not having this conversation James, i don't miss you and we are over, thats the end of it.

Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
why wont you have this conversation? at maccys u were starting to you told me tht you were confused and you werent sure what you wanted and that you still loved me but couldnt see things workin and tht you wanted a fag
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
no i wasn't
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Not at all.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
not even a little bit.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I was telling you that i wasn't going to and didnt want to get back with you.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
its what you said
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
WHAT I SAID WAS...
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
yh u did say u didnt want to get back wit me
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
"I can't do that again i wont do it i cant risk it... b;lajh blah blah"
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
u said alot more
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
No James, i didn't.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Well, i said more words, but that was the gist of it.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I didn't sasy anything about being confused because i'm not and i haven't been, i know EXACTLY what i want and yes i do still love you, but that will pass because well it has to because i would rather die than go through the hell you put me through again and i would rather die than having my little boy be 5 years old helping mommy clean up the bloody nose daddy gave her.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
well according to you i would kill you before then and its nice to know that you can't ask someone to watch justin so that you can come and collect your stuff but you can ask someone to watch justin so that you can goto a gig of a band you don't like with the tickets you brought me for my birthday! LOL your just to caught up in yourself to listen to em or talk to me or to even try to work things out and if i was as you say i am "the love of your life" you'd be trying to work things out!!
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
No, i wouldn't because i'm not.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
and i'm not too caught up in myself i don';t want to listen because it dosn't matter what you say because i am never going to be with you.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
& yeah i am getting someone to watch Justin for me, on the night, while he is asleep.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
you REALLY don't understand that i don't want to work things out do you? For no reason but the fact that i don't want to be with you that i don't want to be with someone that would EVER hurt me in the way you did, no matter who it is, and yes i do love you but theres nothing i can do about that and it dosn't mean that i want to be with you.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
its aight i get exactly what you want
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Do you really?
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
n i get why u were wit me n everythin
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I know you James, your just being ridiculous now and you're going to come out with "you didn't love me you were with me for whatever stupid reason you can think of"
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I was with you because i wanted to be, i was with you because i loved you.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
the only reason u were wimme is cuz i got u pregnant
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I knew it, how ridiculous.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
u jus wanna go out wit ur m8s and have a laugh you dont wanna have someone like me around cuz it means you cant jus go out whenever your friends call
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
yeah i'm sure you do "love" me
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I can't Just go out whenever my friends call anyway because i have Justin and i like it like that.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I only go out on saturdays ffs to let of abit of steam.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
yeah you have justin in the week cuz everybody goes out on the weekends
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
& yeah fine go on acting like you're convinced i don't.didn't love you, because i don't care, we both know i do/did.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Lol fine, i'll keep him saturdays too. I'm happy to do that.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
your not taking a day off me
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Despite the fact nights to go out are generally fridays & saturdays and we have one of those free each...
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Lmao, then don't complain.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
stop acting like you have full control over justin! i have equal rights to our son
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
You're clearly just trying to start some kind of row now considering all you can come out with is nasty comments now.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I'm not acting like i have full control over anything or anyone, am i, NO.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
im not coming out with nasty comments
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
yeah you are like when you rang me up and said unless you tell me what i want your not pickin up your son
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Your telling me things about me that you know arent true such as i didn't love you and i was only with you because i was pregnant and i just want to spend all my time going out with friends.
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
Yeah, i did one nasty and bad thing once because you drove me to it and i said sorry for it.
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
that is what you want you wanna beable to go out smoke and drink and get stoned
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
no though, because if it was what i wanted to do then it would be what i did and it isn't...
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
You have no clue what i want, you never did and you never will so do me a favor and save the fake clairvoyancy for someone who gives a rats ass!
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
funny when i came down and picked up justin its what your portrayed tht u did
Brettle UK - «» פ :… [گ] … [ŋ] … [ª] … [Ҝ] … [ε] …: ¤× «» says:
the fake what?
Jess. http://jessisamazing.blogspot.com/ .Lou says:
I don't care, fuck off, I'm not rowing with you, you're just pissed that i dont miss you/want to be with you and are trying to start a row so just fuck off till you can grow up we can discuss Justins naming ceremony/christening then.


Is there any way i could possibly put this any clearer so that he would understand that no matter how much you love someone you can't be with them when they act and behave the way he did/does/whatever? I really can't be bothered today, i truely can't. UKYP later, should be good, i hope everyone realises i truely cba to do my makeup/put my hair on though. I'm having such a sleepy cba lazy day today. Ohh Rhianna live your life is on i well love it. :) Right, if now's not a good time to go offline i don't know when is.

You know when you go offline in a huff and then remember you were online for a reason, haha, LOL@Me. Oh yeah, sorry for the numerous spelling mistakes the spell checker on blogger isn't working for some reason. lol. I have no clue what my dads' listening to but its beautiful and truly depressing. Ah, makes sence, its Twelve stones- lie to me. I've had to put it on again now. :)

Don't act like an angel
You're falling again
You're no superhero
I found in the end

So lie to me once again
and tell me everything will be alright
lie to me once again
and ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

Fuck me its beautiful. I wish i had a way with words like some people do, i wish i could write like that, shall i give it go? I used to write poems... But from what i recall they weren't very good, i don't remember, i have a book somewhere with every single poem i've ever written in, its at James' somewhere, shame. He'l probably read them because thats just him but as far as i know the only person to have ever read all of them is me. Oh and that boy i met in hospital in 2004, if you by any chance ever come accross this blog which i doubt you will and if you do and by some chance remember be, which i doubt you will, thankyou, thankyou for alot, you have no clue how much you changed my life.


00:06am.
So i guess techinically this is tomorrows blog, but its about today so... lol James has been texting me most the night whittering on about how family is important to him and he wants to be with me and Justin and how he would do anything and such. Its unfair because i want more than anything a nice little family but i know it wouldn't be like that. Grrr. I keep telling him its not going to hapen and then he just insults me saying i don't care and never did, how ridiculous right? I mean if i didn't care then i wouldn't have stayed with him for so long in the first place. I understand that he is saying family is important to him and thats what he wants and that is what i want to but in my opinion he isn't family, only by law which will change as soon as possible. Family are the people that despite constant ups and downs you can always rely on.

1 comment:

  1. I wish i had your day.

    Mine's been awful.

    ILY.

    hugs

    xx

    ReplyDelete