Wednesday, 26 November 2008

A man is not as big as his belief in himself; he is as big as the number of persons who believe in him.

A man is not as big as his belief in himself; he is as big as the number of persons who believe in him. - Woodrow Wilson

It's 7am and I'm sat at the computer covered in baby sick depressed as a girl could be. I really need somebody right now, not a friend, more than that, just someone to hold me for a little while, how stupidly soppy, but i do. Justin's all out of routine now after going to his dads so he was up at half 6 for this feed, hopefully he will get up at half 9 too putting him back into his usual routine. Poor thing he's got a right little cold on him. :( Sitting in an empty garden at 7am in the freezing cold with a cigarette and some music really makes you think... lol. Hmmm. Things aren't that bad, I've got some great friends, Lou, Robyn, Amber, Ami, Zoie & Kirsty. They mean alot. :) I still can't help wishing for something/someone else though. I should probably go back to bed really, I'm not sure when Justin's going to get up, usually when he wakes at four he goes 5 hours until his next feed but if he does that now he wont be up until half 11, not sure whether to get him up at half 9 like usual or just go along with him. I'm no good at this mom stuff am i? Damn. I think i need another cigarette. Thought I'd check the bank again just to be sure, obviously there was nothing there, well actually there's -£30 there, not good. I need a drink, I'm not talking alcoholic, though that would be good, i don't drink around Justin, no but i need something to soothe my throat and I'm not sure what will i know there's the honey and lemon thing but i tried that and it was pants. shame because it usually works, perhaps I'm beyond help, lol, great. Louisa's got a new poem up, I love her poems she's incredibly talented. :) Especially her new one, its happier than others. :) I think i'll ask her if she minds me linking to them all on here, not that i need to ask, she reads my blog daily lol so... Lou do you mind me linking to your myspace blog on here so my readers can read the awesome poems you like to write and i like to read? I feel the need to warn you all though, if she says yes, they're all a little depressing lol. :) Except the newest, well i don't think it is anyway, its my favorite i think. :) I took a photo yesterday and i couldn't help but laugh at how summery it looks lol.
Just been looking at some pictures of me and Justin in the hospital, its sad, that day i really thought everything was going to be alright, and it was the happiest of my life. Sadly i was proved wrong. Not the best picture of me, I'll admit, but i have just given birth, and there are worse pictures around... Damn, why am i so thoughtful tonight, today, yesterday, whatever. Just spoke to Lou on the phone, going to hers with Justin later, about 1-2 so that should be merry she's going to help me with my UKYP thing. :) I got some more reviews on my blog this morning, so here they are.

My dads said he will watch Justin Friday night so i can go to the Simple plan concert, not that i even like them, but i brought James tickets ages ago and am obviously not going to give them to him now. So yeah, lucky for me Zoie likes simple plan so we shall go together. :) Do they have new songs i should know of? Or is it just all the same stuff i was listening to as a merry little 15 year old? Not that i liked them all that much back then, but James did, enough said really. Its bloody 5 past eight already now, I think i'm going to go back to bed for an hour then i'll get Justin up feed & change him and have a shower, that sounds good. I can't wait until i've got my own place, keep in mind though guys, i doubt i'll have the internet what with me being too young for a contract and also you know, poor. Come late january i might be able to sort something out but from when i get a place until then you'l have to make do with weekly blogging, if that. Then again, do we expect it to be any time soon, no, probably not. I might ask my dad if he will be a rent gaurenter or however you spell it it would only be for like the first month of rent and its not like he'd have to pay it, i'd pay it he'd just have to be there as a sort of backup i imagine. That way i'd get to chose a nice place to live and it would be mine instead of staying in the mother and baby unit for a little while and then having to move out again. It would be nice to have a place of my own. I'm scared.

It's funny, sitting in an empty garden in the freezing cold at 1pm with a cigarette and some music, the world seems like a different place. The sun is bright though you would guess from the temperature and there's birds fluttering around singing little songs, gives you some sort of faith, its nice. Justin's back on routine now he's sat on my lap atm chatting away to him self. :) Getting picked up to go to Lou's soon, don't know when I'll be back though so I'm taking his bath stuff just in case I'm not back for six. :) I'm really happy right now, god my moods fluctuate, that would be the bipolar i imagine, haha. Lol@life today.

Had a great time at Lou's today, it was really lovely. :) & i finally managed to get a photo of me giving Justin a bath, something i couldn't get before because obviously i can't bath him and take a photo at the same time, Lou took it for me. Awh
bless Justin he weed all over Lou's mom, and the carpet. I love bathing him its adorable lol he screams blue murder when he gets in then loves it and screams blue murder when i take him out. :) My likkle sweetie piee :):) awh, i'm so happy today, I've had a really brilliant day, watched eastenders on tv on demand this morning, its so clear it wasn't Tanya, well in my opinion anyway, unless its just bad acting, you can never be sure with soaps lol. Got my UKYP speech sorted too, so that's good. :) I'm in such a jolly mood. :):) So anyways here is the picture of me giving Justin a bath, keep in mind I'm wearing no makeup and don't even have my hair on lol.

It's vile i know, but he's so cuteeee. :) somehow Lou made me think it was a good idea for us to watch the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, amazing as that film is, it wasn't, it just wasn't. "How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd. " Beautiful though, no doubt about that and Kate Winslet is a goddess. Compliments are always welcome. :)

ツBeth.... YOUR A TWAT!! FUCK OFF says:
thats my oppinion that ur writing is brill
Jess. says:
Thankyou hunnni. :)

i can relate to ur blogs so well
Jess. says:
Well thats good thats what its there for i guess. :)

Thanks guys. :)

I've added a new counter on the sidebar, it has flags, well currently it only has one flag because there's only been two viewsers since i added it and they've both been from the uk but basically it will just show the amount of people from that place that have viewed my blog, will be nice to see where most of my readers are from that way i could attempt to relate better. Oh yes and it seems that running my phone bill up to horrendous amounts finally paid off, i have an appointment with the bromford supported housing team tuesday at 3. :) Thank fuck for that. :)


  1. Yknow when you start doing the Jess squawk and it's almost the most upsetting thing in life...

    I just did!

    Course I don't mind :D.

    But lol just don't let manic depressives near them lmao :P.


    And your blog. (addictive :P)

    P.S. guess who's coming to your house in pink pjs? :D

    P.S.S. guess which nosey bugger reading my comment now thinks I'm a freak!