Tuesday, 25 November 2008

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all who wander are lost.

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all who wander are lost. - JRR Tolkien

11:44am.
Morning world. *waves* Woke up pretty merry today, but it is actually freezing, well I'm not aware of the actual temperature but the pool of water on top of the bin which i like to put my cigarettes out in has frozen so i figure at some point last night it was in fact, freezing. especially as it was 2-3 degree's as i left the house. It's supposed to be warmer today though isn't it? I swear i heard it was supposed to be like 6 degrees, not that the TV weather is often correct. I'm still ill which is truly upsetting but I'm much better than i was just coughing up my guts now so not too bad. Going to my nans soon to see my mom. :) and James is bringing Justin back so all in all i can imagine today will be a good one, well lets hope so, then again yesterday i lost the cap for my wig so now i have to wear it cap less and i live in fear that i will fall off, i need to get a new one but alas can barely afford milk at the moment. I have absolutely nothing to do all morning. :( Nothing at all i don't have to be at my nans until about 1 so i don't have to leave here for another 40 mins I've already had my shower done my hair done my makeup made up some bottles and i can't think of anything left to do at all, there's probably something of the utmost importance that I'm forgetting but i just can't think of anything at the moment. so, i guess i'll go for a cigarette and listen to some music until its time to leave... hmmm.

19:57pm.
Hello again. Today was really nice. :) Went to see my Mom at my nan & grandads house so that was lovely & then popped over to Ami's and chilled at hers for abit, nothing overly interesting really listened to some music and she showed me some truly upsetting music video's not that i can remember what they were. :( and she read me that poem from "the perks of being a wallflower" how i love that book, i've not read it in forever though, i don't have a copy, library time i think lol. Reminded me of my favorite poem though only i can't remember what it is called. Aha i have found it.
An Outlandish knight came from the North lands,
And he came a wooing to me;
He told me he'd take me unto the North lands,
And there he would marry me.

'Come, fetch me some of your father's gold,
And some of your mother's fee;
And two of the best nags out of the stable,
Where they stand thirty and three.'

She fetched him some of her father's gold,
And some of the mother's fee;
And two of the best nags out of the stable,
Where they stood thirty and three.

She mounted her on her milk-white steed,
He on the dapple grey;
They rode till they came unto the sea side,
Three hours before it was day.

'Light off, light off thy milk-white steed,
And deliver it unto me;
Six pretty maids have I drowned here,
And thou the seventh shall be.

'Pull off, pull off thy silken gown,
And deliver it unto me,
Methinks it looks too rich and too gay
To rot in the salt sea.

'Pull off, pull of thy silken stays,
And deliver them unto me;
Methinks they are too fine and gay
To rot in the salt sea.

'Pull off, pull off thy Holland smock,
And deliver it unto me;
Methinks it looks too rich and gay,
To rot in the salt sea.'

'If I must pull off my Holland smock,
Pray turn thy back unto me,
For it is not fitting that such a ruffian
A naked woman should see.'

He turned his back towards her,
And viewed the leaves so green;
She catched him round the middle so small,
And tumbled him into the stream.

He dropped high, and he dropped low,
Until he came to the side, -
'Catch hold of my hand, my pretty maiden,
And I will make you my bride.'

'Lie there, lie there, you false-hearted man,
Lie there instead of me;
Six pretty maids have you drowned here,
And the seventh has drowned thee.'

She mounted on her milk-white steed,
And led the dapple grey,
She rode till she came to her own father's hall,
Three hours before it was day.

The parrot being in the window so high,
Hearing the lady, did say,
'I'm afraid that some ruffian has led you astray,
That you have tarried so long away.'

'Don't prittle nor prattle, my pretty parrot,
Nor tell no tales of me;
Thy cage shall be made of the glittering gold,
Although it is made of a tree.'

The king being in the chamber so high,
And hearing the parrot, did say,
'What ails you, what ails you, my pretty parrot,
That you prattle so long before day?'

'It's no laughing matter,' the parrot did say,
'But so loudly I call unto thee;
For the cats have got into the window so high,
And I'm afraid they will have me.'

'Well turned, well turned, my pretty parrot,
Well turned, well turned for me;
Thy cage shall be made of the glittering gold,
And the door of the best ivory.'


I have no clue who wrote it but it is in the book a haunted year by Ann Phillips. And Ami said I'd never find it lol. :) Oh the trauma of getting the pram and car seat into the taxi today lol, the pram is huge and the car boot was not. Lol. I still think Justin's scared of the dark, hehe whenever i get him back he screams if i turn of the light, well for the first night or two and i have to sit with him until he's asleep but then after that he's fine until i get him back again the next week... how odd. I'm having a bit of a stress tonight because a friend that i won't name is having trouble with a boyfriend that i also won't name and its so similar to the trouble i had with James that it just makes me angry, I've told her to chuck him because she told me about it, i wish I'd had someone to tell before it got out of hand or more so the courage to tell someone, i wish I'd listened to the advice of everyone else even though they didn't know seems they could see something i couldn't but i guess if i had i wouldn't have Justin so I'm glad i didn't. I'm not foolish enough to pretend that i am over everything that has happened but I've put it to the back of my mind so i can just get on with my life which is what I'm trying to do, what's annoying is the fact that every so often it decides to come back for a few moments and it gets me every damn time. I know it'll stop in the end but its just going to be a bitch until it does really. Its one of those things where you KNOW it's real but you can't believe it, still. you know when you kind of wish that you were still as naive about everything as you used to be? No, actually i don't. I wish I'd fallen for someone worth it. Or maybe not even that, i wish, erm, i wish... You know what, I just wish James had been the man i thought he was, but he isn't or wasn't or won't be or whatever so I'm just going to have to deal with that. I also think i could do with some kind of personal assistant who hand picks all my friends. As far as I'm aware the ones I've got are god damned good, but i thought that beforehand didn't i. I know Kurtis will never let me down my little Kurtybaby, at least he hasn't yet and its been a fair few years. So I'm counting on you all my girls and the occasional bloke, don't let me down yea? I can't take it. Everyone makes mistakes I'm aware of that, but don't fuck me over? I'd have to kill you. I've just realised I've missed eastenders writing this. Damn, I'll have to be watching it at ten now or tomorrow on demand or something, so again, no one tell me what happens. Love you all, night for now.

22:15pm.
Why do people insist on causing rows and pushing people away? I wont name names or say anything more because i can't be bothered to rant on and wind up saying things i don't mean, but its just a bit sad you know? and i don't mean in the omg you sad cow I'm trying to be nasty way, i mean in the genuinely upsetting way. you know what i miss, i miss having someone to be intimate with, not in the sex way just, in general, you know, cuddles and hugs and someone to tell you its okay when you get abit down. I'm starting to feel like i wont ever have that again, not that i really had it in the first place, but i did sometimes, you know? It would just be nice. I think though that i've come to a point where I'm that distrusting in the human race that i'll never let someone get that close again, i don't know, i hope not, but i can't imagine it will happen soon, thank god for friends ey? But it would still be nice to have someone... there's so much on my mind tonight its ridiculous but for whatever reason, it won't come out, i don't even know what it is to let it out, just, stuff. I could probably stay up all night writing tonight writing absoloutly nothing of anyones interest but my own, probably not even that. I have questions tonight that i know will never be answered like, how do you let go of something you're not over? How do you get over something you don't understand? Why can't everyone just be upfront and honest? If everyone was upfront and honest sure there would be conflict but it would all be a hell of alot clearer and you would have to guess how everyone was feeling all the time. There'd also be much less misunderstandings. Misunderstandings ruin this world, you can fall out with a friend and never speak to them again because of a simple misunderstanding, pride aswell thats another thing to ruin the world, lets face it almost everything we do is ruining the world. and its a shame it really is. God its cold tonight the water on the bin has frozen again i took great pleasure in smashing it up. I like that, smashing ice. I'm so bored and quite tired but theres no chance i'm going to manage to get to sleep, i probably should try, Justin will be up at four for his next feed so i'll want to go to bed before that. I'm going to stay up until 12 so i can check my bank even though i know nothing will be in there but the tax credits should go in within the next week so lets just hope so ey. Though they probably wont i really need this money and i need a place, i need the bloody housing people to start answering the phone. I don't think they realise that if they don't get there bloody act together me and my son are going to be homeless, and its fair enough saying "they're doing what they can" but they're messing me around big time. My last appointment got canceled and that was 11 days ago, they said they'd be in touch to make a new one but no letter no email no phone call, nothing. I shouldn't have expected more to be honest but i've been calling and calling them and so far i've had nothing, just keep on leaving messages, tomorrow i'm going to ring non stop until somebody answers. I'll cal my adviser at solihul housing too, she might have heard something from them or be able to get in touch with them, she's only in wednesday-friday afternoons though, lucky for me because you know, i have no worries mondays and tuesdays.... :S. i'm all nostalgic tonight, for all the proper old times where all i did was chill with friends drink and smoke and my most important worries were arguments with friends, what to wear that night and mine and james' latest row as opposed to now where my main worries are, am i going to be homeless next week, when will my money come through, how am i going to afford this divorce, what if James gets pissed off and decides to actually kill me. Ah, how life changes. Oooohhh, when you type in "totally un-secret diary" into google i'm the first 3 links, how stupidly exiting, though i doubt many people type that into google but still, exiiitttiiinnnnnnng. :) Also if you type in "jessisamazing" i'm the fourth link. :) again something noone will ever type in but still, it makes me happy. Oh dear, i'm playing rubbish online flash games, this is what i used to do when i was waiting to check James' bank at 3am on saturdays. I wish things had worked, well no, i don't know. I'm i don't know what i am. Its just a fucking shame. It makes me laugh to think that certain people, people that claimed they would always be around for me, will probably never speak to me again. So, 12 and nothing in the bank, i can't say i'm supprised but i'm still annoyed, i bet they'll be nothing in the post tomorrow either. oh i can't wait till all this is sorted. Fag & bed ly all.

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