22ND JUNE 2009
08:19AM.
Hello all, i haven't even posted last weeks blog yet and i'm already starting on this weeks, ever the thinker me. Justin got up early so i have 40 mins until i have to leave for baby group lol. :) So i'm having tea and listening to the cardigans because we are both practically ready to leave already though obviously Justin isn't in his pram.
How funny is this, last night i was texting Kirsty and i ran out of credit so i tried to top up but i didn't know the password so i had to phone real people instead of a machine to change it and then turns out i didn't have as much in my bank as i thought i did, i thought i had enough to top up by £5 but clearly not, and i somehow managed to flirt my way into 30 free texts... haha i love me. :) hehehehe.
For some reason this morning i feel supprisingly unsuicidal and considering i didn't get to sleep until about 3am, thats pretty good i think. :)
Ahhh, saying that i have just burnt my mouth on my tea. :( shame lol.
I'm really looking forward to baby group i haven't been in such a long time.
"It's such an easy way to choose, you loose"
I love the cardigans lol.
I really do not know what to say right now, i'm trying hard not to think about the Mike situation to be honest, i've text Ami asking if she's free for a cuppa this morning but she hasn't replied, i doubt she will because she seems to be ignoring my texts at the moment, can't please anyone nowdays can i?
Oh well i'll get to meet new people to eventually push away come september. :)
Instead of drinking his juice Justin has taken to chewing the lid to his beaker bless him! awh he is adorable, i need to get some night time nappies or something because he keeps waking up early because he's very wet, i'll see what i can find when i go shopping tomorrow, it is tuesday tomorrow isn't it? Please tell me it is, oh thank god it is.
I hate waiting for tuesdays to come becuase i know i have no money until it does lol.
My tea is still exeptionally hot, i made it about half hour ago i do not understand lmao.
So, once i've been to baby group i'm going to go my dads and check my bank and see what upsetting thing is going on in there, i might be thinking i've got £5 in my bank but it is actually in my savers account, i THINK that is the problem you see lol and i can post my blog at my dads too.
I'm babysitting Bella on tuesday lol. :) Because ikkle haribo has his jabs, poor thing. So i have to get up and feed Justin and then go shopping straight away and come back bring my shopping back and then go straight to my dads to be there for aboout 12. and then i have nothing to do until youth council at 7.
I only have 2 fags left, luckily i brought more packs, so i actually have 42 left. :)
Anyways i'm going to be off because i can't think of any more random drivvel to entertain you. :)
15:28pm.
Baby group was great as per usual :) Justin loved it bless him and then we went to Ami's for a cup of tea and a chat and Justin got kidnapped by Nick lmao and me and Ami watched sweeny todd :) fun times. Ami's copied me a cd of music of the depressing suicidal but amazing and you love it variety... an example being the fact that i am listening to black label society - in this river. :)
Justins asleep he conked practically as soon as i put him down, he's only slept for like 5 min periods all day and only about twice he must be shattered bless him, he did some crawling on Ami's bed too, almost proper crawling i'm so proud of my little man. :)
I am fucking shatttered it is too hot like, wayyy to hot, OH GOSH, DAMIEN RICE IS ON THIS CD I JUST REMEMBERED. Damn it, if i am dead in the morning, it is the fault of Ami and her cd, though damien should get some of the blame i guess. (please don't take that with to much serisousness i'm sure i will be alive tomorrow) but have you ever listened to 9 crimes, cannonball and the blowers daughter, in a row, alone, with nothing else to do but blog and chain smoke? I know Ami and Tal will have or similar at least but i am under the impression that there will not be many others that read my blog that have, though feel free to correct me if i am wrong.
this may lead to me being forced (by none but myself) to watch closer later. Oh damn it what am i doing to myself lmao.
If only i had some ben and jerrys, if i can get onto my online banking (the passwords are saved on my broken phone so i need to search the flat for the letter with them on) then i will have about £5, credit or ice cream is the serious dilemma i am having.
Talking about dilemma's i thought i was having a bloody heart attack a moment ago, i had a really funny pain high in my chest like i was being squashed, but its gone now and i didn't get any funny arm pains so i'm pretty sure i didn't have a heart attack.
I hate not having a track list for cd's because you never know what is coming next and if you need to prepare yourself or not lol.
Anyway i'm going to be off because i can think of nothing more to say and nothing to do either so i a going to chain smoke and play solitare until i can be bothered to get off my arse and look for my bank details and go to my dads, not that i can go anywhere until Justinbums wakes up anyway bless him i can imagine that won't be for a while to be honest. :)
ttfn xx
16:16pm
God this cd is abysmal in every sense of the word, not that i am entirely sure what the word means, but you get the gist i'm sure. I only have six songs left, i think i can make it. :)
I enjoy it really, isn't it strange how people genuinely enjoy depressing themselves to the point of tears and comfort food with such sad music and that it is a genuine past time, why do people torture themselves so?
Now that is a thought to dwell upon, especially as i am doing it currently only without the tears and the icecream/cheesecake/multi pack of funsize snickers, though i assure you i am crying on the inside and the only reason i am not comfort eating is because i have little comfort food.
OH GOD.
Everytime our eyes meet this feeling inside me is almost more than i can take....
I hate Ami...
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO WHAT YOU DO I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU BY MY SIDE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVERY LITTLE THING THAT YOU DO, BABY I'M AMAZED BY YOU...
I HATE AMI.
I can atleast take comfort in the fact that i know there are atleast 2 matchbox songs on this disk, saying that, matchbox are not a merry band, they also are depressing, but somehow, in a merrier way... I think it's only because they're my favorite though?
19:09pm
Justin is in bed i have been to my dads i have topped up my phone and now yet again i am chain smoking and listening to damien rice, i thought i would let you know that because i think it is a wonderful fact.
Also i am laughing at the fact than an 8 year old attempted to mug me earlier, he waved a stick at me and said give me your fags and i said i don't have any and he said okay sorry and carried on walking... LMFAO.
Ewww, i have sweat patches, it's too too hot today, i hate the heat. :(
Shortly i must make bottles and wash up and do something else but i forgot what so i figure it can't be that important but for now i am going to smoke and listen to more depressing music and also play tetris. :)
20:20pm
I have been trying for atleast a month now to finish a game of spider solitare in under 100 moves, trying in vain, until now! 99 moves oh yeah oh yeah kiss my ass wooh. I have no clue why i am so happy about this i really don't have any idea but i'm going to take a screenshot even though i'm pretty sure that i wont be able to upload it lol.
SATURDAY 27TH JUNE 2009
17:19PM
Well, this is not good, infact this is far from good, i am so 100% sure that i have been blogging all week and for some unnown reason it isn't here, even though when i blogged yesterday it was... i do not understand i really really don't it is all very very confusing.
I can't even remember what i wrote/would have wrote so i am very very sorry to all because unless it turns up you've just mised out on what was honestly a very very good week.
Ill tell you what i can.
There was a youth council meeting tuesday with a really good drama group thing
Ami and Cath came over wednesday and we had merry funtimes with drink dancemats facebook and yesman
Ami and Cath babysat thursday because i had a fashion show to go to at south birmingham college and then afterwards we had funtimes and then mj died.
Mike came over last night and we had funtimes and watched sweeny todd
& now i guess you're kind of up to date.
So i shall tell you about the trauma that is today.
I am hidiously ill, like stupidly badly ill like i've been passing out and vomiting and such.
AND
James didn't turn up to pick Justin up this morning so even if i had wanted to go to work despite my illness, i don't have a god damn babysitter because as predicted my son has been let down by the man who is his biological father but most certainly not his dad, you have to give a shit to be a dad and clearly he dosn't.
So i've been trying desperately too look after him today despite everything and then i ran out of fags and text everyone begging for help with Justin and for fags and awh bless um Mike and Kurt came round with 5 roll ups and to help out, they've gone now though but apparently Mike is coming back :)
Lou keeps telling me to ring nhs direct but i don't want to because i'll probably be fine in the morning but if i'm not then i will. Not that there's anything they can do anyway to be honest but oh well.
I have a feeling i'm going to loose my job because this is the second week in a row i haven't been able to go in but saying that if James continues to not bother with his son then i'm going to have to quit anyway and i guess jut wait until college starts and focus on that for a while.
God i'm so ill, i thought i might have the norovirus because Lou had/has it and i've seen her recently but thats more vomiting that anything and i haven't done much vomiting since this morning, i think it might be like something involving my sinus' or something but god knows, i'm not a doctor.
I can't believe my blog has dissapered i really can't! I'm quite annoyed at that actually, infact i'm more shocked because it was there yesterday and i have no idea how or where it could have gone i really do have no clue at first i thought maybe i'd saved it onto my usb stick instead of on this but then i realised i can't have done because my usb stick has been in my bag all week practically.
I do not understand, infact i'm going to have a look for it now.
I've just had a merry search and it is simply nowhere to be seen it really isn't there's two files called blog 22nd june but they both end at the same point and i KNOW KNOW KNOW that i've been blogging all week, i do not understand one bit i really don't get it at all. :S
MONDAY 29TH JUNE 2009.
22:10PM
What with the sudden strange and upsetting dissaperance of half of last weeks blog i was too annoyed to post it yesterday but i shall atempt to tomorrow providing the weather is not good.
Little sense as that seems to make i refuse to go out in stupidly high tempratures ever again because whenever i do i get very ill and i dislike it very much.
I'm going to such extremes that i am not doing my shopping tomorrow morning i am instead doing it tomorrow evening after the project group.
I plan to spend the entirety of tomorrow day if it is sunny (and probably if it is not too.) Staying in with the windows wide open and cleaning the entire flat, obviouly anyone that knows me knows tat it will not end up spotless like i hope because i will get bored half way through and go to bed but it will be tidier than it is now, not to say that it is a state, but it is slightly messy.
I have borrowed some of those books of Ami that i love mutchy the confessions of Georgia Nicolson books, they are amazing and i love them and they are like my life only without the alcohol and sex and babyosity of my life.
and the fact that i don't go to school...
Or live with my parents...
I do however have a big nose, the general horn and also a boyfriend in a band. so hey, not so bad not so bad.
I've read all three of the ones i've borowed now though, i only borrowed them this morning so it is a bit of a fail really.
Before i turned my laptop on i decided i was going to turn my laptop on and blog (obviously) but now that i have i have no clue what i was going to blog about even though i had loads of things in my head.
I think i'm just going to give you a little catch up on life even though i don't think anything major has happened recently that i haven't already told you.
But maybe some of you are new so here goes.
On the Justin front... :)
My pretty likkle boy now weighs 20lbs, can crawl like mad if and when he wants too and has two teeth. :)
He also likes to munch on sandwiches, bikkies, strawberries, toast and bananas. :)
Also i've started to notice he's getting a terrible little temper on him! tut tut naughty boy, apparently though it's usual for boys to have bad tempers, i don't really mind though it's kind of cute.
Oh, and when i feed him now if he decides he dosn't want it he will just blow a rasberry mid spoonful which can get very very messy depending on what he is eating.
Basically he is just as adorable as ever and getting very big very fast, he's almost ten months now which means there realy really isn't long until he will be one, i'm going to have been a mom for an entire year in like just over two months. Ahh time flies when you're having fun eh? Seriously though it has gone so fast it really has. :)
On the college front...
Well, i went to that fashion show on thursday and that was really good and i did finally send my letter off in the end but i haven't heard back from them yet which is never all that good but i am waiting and waiting anyway and figure i shall probably get a letter soon lol. Well, there really isn't much more to say about that is there lol.
On the friends front...
The ones that stick around are pretty damn amazing, and always have been, Kurtis has moved house and he lives by me now which is merry because now perhaps i might see him a little more often. :) funtimes.
On the money front...
I have none, seriously i'm skint as a bint which is a fail i keep meaning to save but for some reason it just, really does not work out, at all. ever. Apparently its really easy to just not buy the little things that i buy but i don't need but i do not see this ease.
On the diet front...
I can't even be bothered to be on a diet but i am trying hard to exercise and be all healthy and such and the last time i weighed myself i was 9st 3lbs which is always good. :)
I can't really think of any more fronts of the top of my head.
But i do have a spazm of annoyance because my sons "dosn't deserve to be a father but somehow ended up being one" decided to not turn up this weekend with no form of warning and no contact from him as of yet despite being told by his mom this morning that he would contact me at some point today.
Infact i have just text his mom saying "so does James plan on getting in touch or do i just assume the noveltys worn off for him? x"
Oh gosh, Ami has urine on her feet and i still do not understand why, she text me ages ago telling me so but i did not understand so i phoned her in genuine tears of confusion and fear and she explained it had something to do with her having cracked heels or something but i am very upset and distraught over this still.
She is now nude in her garden and smelling of urine, this also upsets me.
Apparently James' mom will tell him to be in touch as soon as he arrives (at hers i assume) but she said this morning that he would be there soon and would get in touch then so fuck knows whats going on in life. I want to know what the fuck was so important that he had to miss out on seeing his son and couldn't even let me know.
I hope he died.
No, unfortunately i actually don't as much as i dislike him as a person i don't actually care enough to wish him dead, i'm just feeling sorry for Justin i mean it's okay now when he's too young to really understand but when he is older if he pulls these kinds of things then he's going to be left heartbroken and i'm going to be the one picking up the pieces and i'm telling you now i won't stand for it. I won't watch my son getting let down by his dad fortnight after fortnight which is what i can imagine happening.
Eurgh, people fucking suck.
I mean they really do, everyone, even me, everyone in the world is a total and complete wanker, not in a nasty way but we're all just so god damn thick.
I mean like everyone plays games and everyone has hidden agendas and alterior motives and all that bollocks and it just fucks the world up i think if everyone was honest with everyone about everything things would be much better, but hey thats just my opinion and i'm not naive enough to think hat it will ever happen, it is just a shame that it won't. But hey whatever, i mean the world works the way its running now right i mean its not like we're running it into the ground... yeah right. Well there's a lot i could say about the human race right here but i wont get into a full scale rant because i don't know enough and also because i do know that whatever i say will sound highly hipocritical (and quite rightly too because i know i'm just as bad as others for some things)
Anyway onto a nicer subject.
well i can't think of one but i will tell you that i just had a glass of pinapple juice and necked it forgetting that i don't really like it all that much unless i am paticulally in the mood for it which i was not i just wanted something to cool me down i am far far far far far far far far far too hot.
My temprature is like 37 degrees...
I am aware that that is normal but i do not like it as mine is usually around 35 and i like things that way.
Oh and another thing i have to tell you, despite promising never ever ever too i have somehow ended up using facebook and being quite the little facebook whore actually, not in an actual whore way incase you're not familiar with the term but just in the checking facebook far too often to be socially acceptable way and such. Well, atleast as much as is possible when i can only get on it on my phone lol. Talking about facebook, Mikes status is still single on there. and my profile still says "...i am in a relationship but my boyfriend isn't and that is pretty much all i have to say." I don't think he cares which is a shame.
I really want to go on some for of holiday this year and it is all very upsetting because i know there is no way i will ever be able to afford to do anything or go anywhere and well it really is a bit of a shame.
I can't even remember the last time i went on holiday, i genuinely can't. I think it may actually have been one of the gingerbread camping trips. Unless blackpool counts but we weren't really there long enough for it to count really.
Problem being i can't go camping due to a lack of a car and i can't afford a hotel/hostel/caravan or anything like that. It is a shame.
IT'S TOO HOT.
I really want something nice and cold like a nice cold icecream but i don't have anything nice and cold like a nice cold icecream o i fail there majorly. I could put something into the freezer, like make a icelol of some sort but i probably wont still be up by the time it has frozen.
When i was little i used to put milk in the freezer in a glass and then drink it after an hour or two, it was fucking beautiful. lol. Even though i'm pretty sure you're really not supposed to do that lol.
I would usually crunch on some ice cubes in the stupidly hotness of the stupidly hotness but i don't like to since it was all i could do while i was pregnant. ( i would literally eat bags and bags of it in a day)
My back hurts, periods are a bloody pain (LOL) They are one thing i seriously didn't miss lol. If i wasn't so scardy pants i'd go on the injection like Kirsty but i think i'd rather not lol.
I am so bored but not sleepy that i want to watch a dvd but i cannot summon up the energy it takes to choose a dvd and faff about with plugs and then sit around watching it for an hour and a half and on top of that i have a killer headache that i've had non stop for about like 3 days now and it makes me sad.
MY HEAD HURTS AND I AM TOO HOT AND I HATE LIFE AND I AM TOO HOT AND MY HEAD HURTS AND ARGH ARGH ARGH I HATE THE SUMMER AND THE HEAT AND IT IS HORRIBLE AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE AND TOMORROW I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE UNTIL EVENING AND I REFUSE TO PUT ON EVEN A SINGLE ITEM OF CLOTHING AND I SHALL HAVE MY WINDOWS OPEN WIDE AND MY SHOWER RUNNING COLD ALL DAY SO THAT WHENEVER I GET TOO HOT I CAN JUST HOP IN REALLY QUICKLY FOR A MOMENT OR TWO.
I can not blog any more for fear i will die of such a major headache/lack of fags/sweatyness.
Wednesday 1st July 2009
11:43am.
I did end up watching a dvd monday night, i watched Just my luck.
I also ended up going shopping tuesday morning because the sun wasn't out, it was still too hot. I hate the heat.
Project group meeting was last night and it was amazing
There was a suspected gas leak at the flat while i was out, the fire peoples got called and everything, it was cat piss.
Kurtis, Mike, Ami, Cath and me last night, was good was good.
Tal's meant to be coming over today, i would meet her in town but it is far to hot for me to travel such distances i will get ill and die, i hope she does come down because i am wearing my teenage mutant ninja turtles top specifically for her benefit.
I don't have any trousers on, that is not for Tal's benefit it is for mine.
It is too hot.
I got a cbeebies dvd through in the post, oh the joys of being part of the boots parenting club, i'll put it on for Justin in a bit but i can't imagine him sitting still long enough to watch it now he moves he moves, he gets everywhere and can pull himself into a standing position now aswell which is major adorableness.
Me and Mike have been together 6 months now, shocking right?
Haha we had an argument last night, and this morning, but not really, well, you know how it is with me and Mike, things are good things are good lol. :)
Ahhh i am happy with life today but still i am too hot and i really should get to cleaning up and stuff and OH MY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO DO MY TAX THINGY FUCK FUCK I'M OFF I HAVE TO GO OR MY BENEFITS WILL GET ALL STOPPED AND STUFFS FAIL FAIL FAIL.
I'll just finish my fag, lol, Mike says i procrastenate too much, i think he's right, it is going to get me into trouble one of these days it really is.
Right, i'll be back shortly. x
THURSDAY 2ND JULY 2009
12:26PM.
My plan was to be back shortly but it failed miserably lol.
SO, yesterday was pretty cool Tal and Ami and Cath came over and then after Tal went (she had to leave early so percy wouldn't die, though i don't see that as being a problem) Mike came over when he finished work and it was alright and thaty but me and Ami went into my room to have a chat and that upset Mike and Cathryn and i can see why but at the time i didn't think anything of it and well today i just feel like shit because last night when Ami and Cath had left Mike was saying all these little things (like what i just said) and like the fact that Lou is having trouble at the moment and phoned me about it and i "got involved" and he just made me feel like shit and i know he didn't say it to be nasty and it isn't the fact that he said it that upset me more so the fact that he was right so now i just feel like a shitty and horrible person.
I hate it when people manage to do that to me, because if i were to have an argument with someone it isn't often or likely or whatever that someone will actually genuinely upset me and or make me doubt me and stuff like that so when people manage it out of the blue it just fucks me up it just does so now i just feel like a shit and horrible person mom sister daughter friend and girlfriend. And it's never nice to feel one of those things.
Great now i'm doing that thing where i cry for practically no reason. For fucks sake.
And i only have 1 fag left, well 1 fag and 1 roll up but it is too hot to go out and buy more so i don't know what to do because there's no chance they are going to last me longer than half an hour not with how i'm feeling this morning.
Mikes not long left by the way, he's gone to Kurtis' or something or other dunno when i'm seeing him again but right now i'm in one of those dull moods where i just do not give a shit at all. Not personally i do not give a shit about him because obviously i do i love him and all that i'm just in one of those moods where the entire human population could drop dead this second and i would not give a shit.
Talking about people dropping dead, i still haven't heard off James, perhaps he is, i hope so, i don't think my life could ever be that good though.
I don't know what the fuck my problem is i really don't i mean one min i'm flying like a god damn fucking kite and the next min i'm trying to strangle myself with the kite string... (that was like a thingy by the way i'm not actually trying to strangle myself...)
I need a drink tonight i just do i think Ami and Cathryn might be coming over again tonight because we were supposed to make a cake like the past two nights in a row and we just haven't so they might be coming over but god knows, either way i'm going to text my entire phone book and tell them to come over for a drink tonight.
Saying that, noone will turn up. I can imagine.
I don't care, i'll buy ben and jerrys and drink alone with a dvd or something.
I still can't get a babysitter for work this saturday.
I really really really really want, actually NEED to go away and just get away for a bit, take Justin and go somewhere for a few days perhaps a week or two but i can never and will never be able to afford to get anywhere that alone stay anywhere for fucks sake, i just don't want to be here, surrounded by everyone but if i'm here on my own i don't like to be on my own but if i were somewhere else i would if that makes sense and i just want to get away from everything and everyone.
I'm actually serously going to start saving, just to get me away from this fucking shit hole.
I feel like fucking shit and i'm sick of my problems and everyone else's god damn problems and Mike makes me feel like a cunt for getting involved in other peoples problems but it isn't like that i don't do it because i'm a bitch i mean people tell me about their problems they just do they always have and i try my best to help and yeah i might not actually be that helpful but i try for fucks sake and i don't see how that is a bad thing but somehow now i've ended up feeling like it's a horrible thing to do to try and help my friends.
I think i'll text nicole and see if she has got her phone connected yet, she got a new contract and they were taking the piss to connect it and it was really annoying her lol bless her.
Saying that if it isn't connected and i text her she wont get it will she?
Awh bless Justin he's playing with the vaccume it is his new favorite toy since he's been able to move around to it bless him. (obviously it don't have it on but it is plugged in just so he dosn't hurt himself, Eilleen gave me some plug protector thingys yesterday which is going to be helpful since he's started moving about. :)
I smoked that roll up about 15 mins ago or something and now i am desperate to smoke that cigarette.
I'm still crying.
I really do hate my life some times and i mean i know that sounds so stupid and selfish because i know there's so many people so god damn worse off than me i mean i have enough money to live and i have food and i have a roof over my head and i have friends and a family i have, well had a chance for an education and everything like that and i don't have some kind of deadly disease and to be honest compared to some i am pretty damn priveliged but i can't help it.
I don't even know what is wrong though i don't know what my problem is. I can't find anything terribly wrong and i look and look and look and i can't think of anything at all but recently the slightest thing has me sobbing and thinking about how much i hate my life and my friends and everything else i mean i love my friends to bits i really do but sometimes i can't help thinking life would bemuch eaiser if it were just me and Justin and noone else to think about or worry about or whatever.
But then if i were alone i wouldn't want to be.
I don't know.
I don't even understand whats going on in my god damn fucking head 99% of the time.
It's too fucking hot.
My window is wide open but it is too fuckin hot.
Might be because i have a hot laptop on my knee's though, i didn't think of that becuse i'm thick like that.
I feel like shit.
and noone has replied to my "come over for a drink and a chat tonight?" text.
Nor has anyone replied to my "cheer me up via text?" text.
I'm going to smoke half of my last fag i do not care damien rice is on and i have no choice in the matter if i do not smoke it my life will be over.
I need to feed Justin in half hour and then i will take him up to the shop so i can buy some fags and i will also buy (if i have the money i don't even know how much is in my bank) some ben and jerrys and then i will sit all night tonight infront of the telly watching sad dvds sobbing drinking and eating icecream, that is how i want to spend my life.
I can't wait until i start college (if i ever manage too) because atleast it will give me something to do.
I don't even have any cleaning to do because i did it all this morning.
I just need to take the rubbish out which i can't do with Justin up anyway.
Maybe i will make some new friends at college.
If i'm not too much of a fail at life to go.
You know i can't be bothered to be me anymore i don't like me anymore i'm going to be someone else but i don't know who yet, well i'm not but i'm going to make me better i can't be bothered with anything i do anymore i don't like it none of it, i can never ever seem to do anything right and i dpn't want to be that person.
When i die i don't want people to say things like, oh its a shame Jess is dead but alteast we wont be annoyed with her getting involed in everything and always doing the wrong thing all the time and never having anything interesting to say and not even having her own personality just being a bit of a random twat that tagged along and noone actually liked.
I don't want people to say things like that.
I want people to say nice things.
but if i can't think of anything nice to say about myself, why should anyone else.
Fuck it.
thing is noone seems to understand that sometimes i just feel like shit and sometimes i go from =DDD to X( in half a second and then back again.
Lou gets worried every time and tells people.
Mike just seems to get annoyed
Tal and Ami get it but it's just an on going joke between us really.
STONES TAUGHT ME TO FLY LOVE TAUGHT ME TO CRY SO COME ON COURAGE TEACH ME TO BE SHY 'CUZ IT'S NOT HARD TO FALL AND I DON'T WANNA SCARE HER IT'S NOT HARD TO FALL AND I DON'T WANNA LOSE, IT'S NOT HARD TO GROOOWWWWWWW....
And thats where i stop with the suicidal failings of listening to damien rice.
Up next we have...
Well i don't know yet because there's alot of music on the end of this song. So we are going to have to wait it out, i dont know who we is though because i'm pretty sure that Justin isn't really listening i don't think he really cares what's on he is busy crawling around and saying "huuwaaarrryeey" which i think is sweedish or something? :)
Christ.
Love of mine someday you will die but i'll be close behind i'll follow you into the dark no blinding light or tunnels to gates of white just our hands claspsed so tight waiting for a hint of a spark if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs if there's noone beside you when your soul embarks then i'll follow you into the dark.
^^ How depressing.
I have just popped a HUGE spot on my chin.
It was so big you couldn't see my chin.
ew.
Fail, i forgot this song skips i don't know why there's no scratches but at a certain point this song just wont play but sometimes it just jumps once or twice and carries on, it dosn't seem to want to do that today though so i kep hearing "there's" repeatedly it is very distressing i am going to have to get up and change the track because now it isn't doing or saying anything and well that is just a fail.
God this song is the worst on this cd it is the one i hadn't heard before Ami made me the cd it's the one with a heartbeat.
I can't be bothered to type the lyrics though, but it is called somebody and i can't remember who it is by.
Justins getting miserable now i think he wants his din dins lol bless him oohh saying that he's merry again now.
I'm going to finish my fag and then go do Justins dindins and then i'll either go to the shop or go to sleep lol.
Bye for now. Don't know when i'll be back.
SATURDAY 4TH JULY 2009
09:20AM.
Ohh i didn't blog yesterday but i have goodish reason for not doing so so i shall tell you that shortly.
Anyway i think on thursday i ended up going to the shop and i'm pretty damn sure i did little else. lol.
Justin has another tooth coming through now, at the top bless him and he's munching on his breakfast like i've never fed him before greedy git lol.
Okay so onto yesterday i planned to blog i really did but Ami phoned me at around half nine and asked me to go over so i did, makes sense really lol so i didn't get chance to in the morning and then i planned to while Ami was at work but then Cath came to mine for a bit and then when Ami got back we went to town for starbucks time and for buying sugar rush on dvd time (ami brought it not me) and it was all very amusing we made the guy in starbucks laugh his head off bless he was in hystericas and i can't even remember why but it was quite funny and i got embarassed like mad in hmv because i said i don't like there's something about mary and the conversation ended up being something like
"the time you got sperm in your hair"
"the time you got sperm up your nose"
"It's been everywhere really"
The woman on the till found it pretty damn funny but i was mortified, momentarily anyways i got over it pretty quick if i do say so myself.
Especially considering i was in town dresed as oliver twist, well actually i looked nothing like oliver twist but that was the plan it just kinda failed, i was wearing black socks and those grey school boy type shorts with a shirt and a wasitcoat and Ami's pete hat that i borrowed at some point before/for blackpool and am yet to return to her. In my opinion it was the worlds most amazing amazing outfit and it made me very happy.
I just realised that i am yet to post last weeks blog and it is almost time to post this weeks but you must forgive me because it has been too hot to move and also there is hardly anything on last weeks anyway because i somehow managed to lose half of it like a spazm head. I will put it at the start of this one though when i post this one tomorrow.
Anyway so yeah yesterday when we got back from town we watched the first season of sugar rush which is pure amazingnessosity as i'm sure if you've seen it you know and if you havent, well then you're missing out for sure.
and Mike text me asking if he could come round for a kiss around 11 and he was very lovely when he turned up until he realised Ami and Cath were here, he stayed a few mins and then left, he wasn't quite as keen when he left mind... wonder what he came round for... asif it isn't obvious. LOL
Anyways THEN he sent me about 6 texts around 2am telling me he loves me and then he phoned me to tell me and i pissed him off by saying yeah, you just love me more when you're drunk or something like that and he got all funny with me so i changed it to you tell me more when you're drunk because it is often a drunk Mike will phone me to tell me he loves me and then babble on with cheese for a little while and it's kinda sweet atleast i thought it was at first but, he's just drunk. lol.
I have to quit my job tonight. I can't get a babysitter for every saturday it was hard enough getting one for every other saturday but now with James seemingly out of the picture it is going to be im-bloody-possible. OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED THE MOST AMAZING THING.
I'm you're basic average girl and i'm here to save the world, you can't stop me cuz i'm kim-possible. :)
Or something along those lines, i like kim-possible. :)
Lolololol.
But seriously, i'm really upset about the whole job thing, i love my job, you lot know i do, it is a fail in many a way. :(
Nicole's phone has been connected now :) lol but she's ill. :( poor thingybum.
We're going for a starbucks on monday.
FAIL, IT'S THE SONG THAT SKIPS. :(
And now it is the utterly depressing
"i want somebody to share share the rest of my life share my innermost thoughts know my intimate details someone to stand by my side and give me support and in return she'l get my support she will listen to me when i want to speak about the world we live in and life in general...."
Oh yeah may i add to yesterdayosity that i bumped into phil and greg while in town dressed as oliver twist.
I need to go and buy cigarettes but it is too much effort to leave the house and i'm not dressed and there is little point in me getting dressed just so when i get home i can get undressed so i can have a shower for work so i guess it makes more sense if i have a shower and such and then get dressed and go and get fags but either way i need to go and get fags i need atleast 3-4 packs to last me through until tuesday when my money comes in. I'm not doing so well at this saving money thing am i?
"Hello i've waited here for you, everlong...." :)
I need the loo but it involves more movement than i can be bothered to make. Fail. Damn, i really do, back in a second. :)
Baaccckkk.
Eurgh there's some big tiff tiff going on between Ami and Zoie right now and i wont get into because it is none of my bussiness but i shall simply say that it is doing my bloody head in.
Okay, so, what do i need to do today...
Shower
Wash & dry my hair
Get dressed
Go and buy fags
Put dry washing away
Hang wet washing up
Wash dirty clothes
and possibly have a bit of a general tidyup.
Thats not too bad, oh and then obviously i need to go to lou's and work... lol.
I'm shattered.
Justin sits up whenever he wants to now, it is both odd and cute because this time last week he would refuse to sit up most of the time but now i will randomly look up to see him in perfect sitting position playing with a random toy. :)
Christ it is 10am already.
I'll put Justin to bed when he starts getting tired which i imagine will be within the hour nd then i shall shower and tidy and dry and clean and blah blah blah. :)
Tattybyes for now though because i have a headache. :(
14:05pm.
Lol, i'm pretgty sure Mike's not talking to me which is damn rich considering...
He text me asking if he offended anyone last night and i said other than me i wouldn't know and he said how did i offend you and i said oh i don't know perhaps turning up and being all over me for 2 mins then shouting through a programme we were watching and then going all distant and leaving without bothering to say goodbye to Ami and Cath and then phoning me at 2am and having a go at me.
He phoned me after i said that and was asking what he had said and i was telling him i didn't know, not because i don't remember but because it was impossible to make any actual sense out of it and he had the cheek to make a joke...
"how do you know i wasn't just teling you i loved you in an angry way"
In the end i told him i had things to do and hung up on him, not in a paticulaly nasty way but i did Justin was screaming in the background and i needed to have a shower and such, all things i have done now.
He hasn't been in touch since and this was at 11am i've text him saying the fact that you're yet to bother apologising is infuriating but he hasn't replied to that either but if i'm honest i really can't be bothered to give a shit because recently i seem to be pissed off, confused or feeling like shit more and more because of him. and that isn't right.
I need to go to the shops and buy some fags and such i only have two left but i can't be bothered to move if i am honest. i'm so upset about having to quit my job i really am...
Lol everythings going down the drain really isn't it?
I mean, my best friend is off to uni in september.
I have to quit my job
My boyfriend is being a tosser
My sons dad can't be arsed with him
Who know's perhaps i'll get a letter of the college monday telling me they can't actually give me a place on the course...
Oh how i love my life.
And now my stomach hurts.
Wow, a hell of a lot actually.
OWCH shit fuck wow this hurts and is very random christ i feel like i'm being stabbed just below my rib cage either side...
Okay it's gone now but shit that was painful.
Fucking hell. LOL@My life, seriously.
And now damien rice is on. Fail. =[
14:48PM
Lou just phoned me and then Ami so i've just had to explain it to them too. Fail, takes the piss, life.
Mike said sorry and that he hopes i still love him so i said he knows i do but it doesn't change the fact that he was a cunt last night, drunk or not it's no excuse and he said bit harsh bab so i said really i don't think so and i haven't heard anything else yet.
I really need to go and get fags i only have 1 left now. :( Lou's picking me up in like 2 and a half hours.
OOOH, we have a new development, apparrently i'm the one being a nob.
I've just i've got enough shit atm and i don't need him adding to it, i really can't be arsed with this right now, i can't be arsed with people all together.
SUNDAY 5TH JULY 2009
11:40AM
Justin is watching timmy time on a dvd i got in the post from the boots parenting club. It's about a little lamb with alot to learn and it is very disterbing but Justin seems to be enjoying it. He keeps falling off his scooter, infact everyone keeps falling off the scooter, everyone being him and a dog, what a lamb is doing playing with a dog i'll never know, and there's a cat that keeps laughing at him... It's all very upsetting and i have a feeling it is only going to encourage Justins farmyard noises. lol.
I'm going to take him to the farm soon i think. :)
Anyway, last night didn't go that badly to be honest, i told jeff i had to quit and he said that that is fine and that i've been great since i started and that i'm welcome back any time i can and that if i can can i do next saturday as my last night.
Last night was rather merry i ended up getting back to Louisa's with a glow stick bracelet and angel wings courtesy of Jess lol. It's all good haha. :)
It was SO hot though because obviously it was hot anyway and like in the glass room with all the steamyness and in the club with all the clubbyness it was fucking boiling and the glassy washy machine was broken and it kept squirting us me and the new girl who's name i do know but can't spell... eurgh lol. :)
And there was a huge fight outside and like 20 odd people got arrested lolz. fail on their part.
Oh dear, timmy time has finished but i think Justinbums is getting tired anyway bless him.
Eurgh, i'm somehow in the middle with all the Ami and Zoie stuff, fail.
Zoie offered to babysit for me on while i was at work but i said nah that me working there isn't going to work with Justin being so young it is too awkward and such and she was like don't you trust me and i was like it's nothing to do with that and then that was that and we aranged to meet up wednesday.
And then this morning she commented on my facebook status (tired as a tired thing anyone wanna come over for a drink tonight?) saying something like "so you got a babysitter anyway even though i offered and i would say i'll come but i wouldn't be welcome" so i said "i already had a babysitter for last night it's every other night i don't, why you being funny for?" and she said "i'm sure you know" and i said "what exactly have i done" and she said "ask Ami i'm not going to be two faced and if she dosn't tell you i will" so i said "no because i'm not twelve and can't be bothered with acting like i am" lol i don't have the time, patience, enegry for this, or in actual fact, any interest in it whatsoever. What is the point in 18 year old girls squabbling like children, really?
And as for the Mike situation, well he text me at like 4am telling me he loves me and he really loves me and he's sorry and he knows he's a dick but he really loves me and i asked if he was drunk and he said not completely why and i said just wondered i'm going to bed now and then he text me this morning saying something like "i guess i've upset you again" or something of the sort so i said "what?" and he said it again and i said "why?" and he said one word replies and i said "but why say it in the first place" because obviously there were no replies for him to be talking about when he first text me but he didn't text back so i just said no you haven't upset me again. He still hasn't replied mind but it is early i'm supprised he was up when he text me in the first place to be honest lol.
Just put Justin down for a nap bless him because he is clearly shattered with a capital SH. But he isn't happy with me one bit now and is having a bit of a moan saying that he seems to have done that stopping suddenly thing, and as always as soon as i finish typing "Justin has stopped crying" or anything to that effect he starts again, lol I managed to fall asleep around 5am this morning and was up by 8. That means i've had three hours sleep in the past like... 28 hours... Thing is i don't actually feel all that tired, even though i know i should get some sleep when Justin does otherwise i'll be dead after his lunch later when he wants to play lol. I should be feeling exausted really i've been working all night and i've spent since i got back home tidying up lol.
I need to go out at some point today because i need to buy some more sma and also want to pop into my dads to talk to my dad about Justins birthday thingy, i want to take him to the wacky warehouse but i'm not 100% sure yet either way though it will be on the wednesday afternoon and both my dad and Lou will have work which is a shamsham because i want them both there lol.
Oh and i've just realised that i still have my dads scart adapter thingy so i need to give him that back and also possibly probably hopefully, post my blog and check post secrets lol.
Justin's still going for it the poor thing he hasn't slept all morning though i don't know what time it was when he got up but he was up when i got up and even though i put him down when i got home he didn't sleep he moaned abit and then played with his toys for a bit while i had a shower and he's been up all the rest of the time so i'm supprised he hasn't done the cute fast asleep the second i put him down thing, not only is that cute but it's bloddy helpful.
I hate it when he cries because he is tired because there's literally nothing i can do to make him stop he just has to fall asleep on his own. Feeling helpless much. :( He's stopped now though, i think, yes yes, it seems he actually has gone to sleepybyebyes. :)time for my own nap now then i think, once i've checked facebook via my phone (sad and obsessive i know but it's my only way of staying in touch with the world.
I have one new notification but it wont let me check it, well it will but it's taking the pissssss to load. :(
Twas Zoie telling me that she wasn't saying i am 12 but i seriously need to ask Ami or else i will be brought down but i've just said i'm not getting involved and now fail because facebook is telling me i must log in first even though i was loged in, it does that every so often, on my phone anyway, it's damn annoying.
Anyways, fagtimes and then naptimes, or shall i have fagtimes in bed? hmm.
Fagtimes in bed i think sounds best, right then tattybyes for nowwwwys. :) xx
(I'm in an oddly good mood today :P)
THURSDAY 9TH JULY 2009
15:56PM.
Christ this is my first entry all week oh and will it be a jolly one (yes is the answer your looking for)
I haven't posted the last two yet but i'm hoping to do so at Ami's tonight.
So here we go.
Erm, well it felt like i had alot of interesting things to tell you but turns out i don't have as much as i thought.
I met nicole for starbucks yesterday and that was merry.
I went to the new asda in chelmsley and spent far far too much.
I'm contemplating getting extentions because i can get them put in and such for £44 at the hairdressers
I'm yet to give up smoking like a chimney
and spending like a spendy thing
Oh and Mike wants to move in.
Too soon? Hmm, i am full of confusedosity about this one, we attempted a pro's and cons list but we ended up having sex...
Which i guess is a pro?
I have no idea i'm so so full of confusedosity about literally every aspect of my life.
Stil no word from James either, cunt.
Going out with Ami tonight :) Cath is babysitting, i haven't been out for a drink in a non couples way since my birthday so it should be merry as a merry thing.
Saying that it is me and Ami so we will probably end up walking home from solihul with a cucumber attatched to each earlobe.
Or something equally bizzare.
Paul gave Mike a taxi to mine for free last night, he also gave him Ami's foxfire dvd to give to me to give to Ami.
The dvd is FUCKED, i've never seen a dvd in worse condition apart from ones that are broken into bits, and even they are more likely to play than this one.
Me and Ami spent all day the other day on karaoke (i can't spell) and i have the recordings to prove it.
It was an abysmal sham.
Really.
LMAO.
They are funny though.
We seem to get funny accents part way through some of them.
Mainly cockney.
Very amusing if i do say so myself.
I must say our rendition of hold me close complete with dance is pretty darn amazing.
Even if Cathryn did put earphones in.
*swaying and clicking*
HOLD ME CLOSE DON'T LET ME GO, OH NO.
YOU SEE I, YES I LOVE YOU AND I THINK THAT YOU KNOW
DO YOU KNOW?
WITH YOUR LOVE LIGHT SHINING EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER, *clap to the side* LINING.
:)
I have much to do and little time to do it i need to tidy up the shit hole i call my home (going to take forever) then i need to shower and get ready for tonight (going to take even longer) and then i need to get Justin ready, pop to my dads to borrow £20 and then get to Ami's for 6pm to help her decide what shoes to wear.
It is ten past four.
It takes me half hour to walk to Ami's...
In flat shoes.
I'm wearing heels tonight.
Damndamndamndamn and drat.
My sequinnny top is all covered in babyfood.
Luckily tonight i'm wearing my silk top and not my sequinny top
because thats covered in babyfood.
and the last time i wore it i left sequins in Mikes bed.
not that i'm going to be in anyones bed but my own, but like, i don't want to leave a trail of sequins behind me like some kind of jazzed up hansel and gretel thing.
I should be in the shower now.
But i'm not.
Or doing the washing up.
Another thing i'm not doing.
Anita is coming over tomorrow morning and i am going to be hungover thus making her even more worried about my drinking, but i haven't had a drink in like, AGES! damn it.
Why does Mike want to move in with me damn it.
Not that i don't want him to.
Not that i do.
I don't know, i do.
Yeah, i do, i think.
But... it. is. like, a big. big. big. thing.
and i am generally on my best (least crazy) behaviour when he is over...
(ie not wearing a cocktail dress to do the washing up and singing loudly to a nickelodeon theme song.)
and then there is the serious side of it such as benefits and la di da di da.
hmm pfft erm and double hmmm.
we shall see.
He is apparently coming over when he finishes work tonight, even though he knows i am not going to be here and that i am going to be out.
I think he just wants to make sure i don't bring someone home with me, how shocking is that?
Right, i must depart and shower and clean and do all the other things that are going to take more time than i have to spare, i would skip the shower and just wash but i plan to wear a skirt and i have gorilla legs.
I hate gorilla legs.
tights or no tights?
Fake tan or no fake tan.
I must depart.
SATURDAY 11TH JULY 2009.
09:35PM
Not only have i hardly blogged this week but i haven't posted the last two weeks blogs up yet, damn me i am not a good blogger.
Anyway, the foam party on thursday was wicked it really was i don't have pictures but Ami and Jess do. I was well and truly FUCKED. I haven't drank in ages lol! I was hungover all yesterday but i'm good now lol.
There was a project group meeting yesterday that i was told was at kingshurst but turns out it was at solihul workshops so i failed miserably by going to kingshurst and they had to get me a taxi to solihul making me about half hour late, very embarassing what with the mayor being there and such... lol.
Bless Justin he didn't want his toast this morning so i had to eat it with him, you know "mommy have a bite, Justin have a bite..." Quite nice actually it's been a while since i've had toast lol.
I've decided to get hair extentions by the way, the hairdressers down green lane said they can fit them and cut them to the shape of my hair (so they look real) for £44 but i want it red so i'm going to ask how much it would be for them to dye my hair too, i'm excited. Even though i have no spare money at all.
(i have £10 to last me till tuesday)
But i realised that i have a single bed that i have no room for and a cot bed that i have no room for and a walking machine that i have no room for and loads of baby clothes that no longer fit Justin so i figure if i stick them on ebay on a week listning thing then in a week or two i should have atleast a little bit of extra money i mean each of them should atleast fetch me a tenner each? and if i can get £15 each (not including baby clothes) then thats enough to get my hair done already...
And it will get my already 100% perfect feedback up. :):)
Problem is that i have no clue how to work out how much it would cost to post the baby clothes and such, obviously everything else would be pick up only lol.
I wanna sell some of my clothes but i know clothes don't sell well on ebay so there isn't much point really unless i do like a HUGEEE lot, saying that i still have about 4 bags of clothes that i haven't chucked away that i want to but most of my clothes aren't exactly in the greatest condition.
Hmmm.
Well either way before i do any of this i need to tidy the flat up today, it isn't that bad just abit messy, well, pretty messy especially my kitchen and my bedroom, i had an i don't know what to wear trauma for thursday night and it has resulted in my room looking like a bombs hit it.
FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN AINT NOTHING I CAN DO FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN AND THIS TIME IT'S WITH YOU...
Ohh whats that song by ermmmm damn ermmm, lighthouse family.... WHAT IS THAT SONG? i know it and i love it and i know everyone else in the english speaking world knows it too but i can't for the life of me remember what it is or how it goes or ANYTHING.
I've just had to text everyone and ask lol.
(Just so you know i don't mean the song thats above this little bit, thats eagle eye cherry falling in love again lol...)
Bored, i can't be bothered to get up and tidy up but i know i need to and i have nothing else to do anyway but i'm really tired and really bored and i just can not be bothered to do anything at all i want to go to bed and jut lie down and do nothing i think i might and then i shall just tidy up later when Justin gets up from his nap, i'll have to put him in his swing or something lol.
IT JUST TAKES SOME TIME LITTLE GIRL YOUR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE EVERYTHING EVERTHING WILL BE JUST FINE EVERYTHING EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT ALRIGHT... :)
(& thats jimmy eat world...)
I really want my extentions, everyone who knew me ages and ages ago will know that at one point in my life i had long curly red hair and it was beautiful it was the nicest i've EVER had my hair in my opinion and well, I WANT IT BACK.
I didn't think my hair was long enough for extentions though but the hairdressers said they have done extentions in shorter hair... :)
Oh dear, Justin is not a happy bunbuns. :( Or a happy baby.
He woke up a couple of times in the night last night actually which i wan't expecting because he dosn't do that very often at all poor thing, he was alright though he just, woke up lol.
Christ i'm SO tired lol.
I'm going to get a drink and possibly tidy the kicthen a bit but most likely go back to bed.
SUNDAY 12TH JULY 2009
09:37AM
I just thought i'd paint my nails but for some reason now i can taste nail varnish and smell it and everything in a really horrendous way its making me retch lol. :(
Mike's gig was yesterday twas good bar Justin eating grass 90% of the time, and bar the rain, lol.
I only went a lost my phone on the way home and had to go back and then back and then Kurtis found it for me because Kurtis was getting a lift and he went past me and so he got out to walk with me... :) how lovely.
Somehow last night i ended up watching beaches with ice cream, i'm sure if you've seen beaches you understand how stupidly depressing that is. Damn it lol.
And i've spent most of this morning listening to miserable depressing songs so i changed the disk and now i'm listening to girls aloud - the promise.
I have three weeks of blog to post and my usb don't work at my dads, i'm pretty sure my internet isn't working and i always forget to do it at Ami's... you must all hate me lol.
I just tried to post using my internet and i was right it isn't working because god hates me.
Fail then really.
I shall use Ami's or my dads at some point today i promise to you, i just have to find my usb and put all three on there though i think 2 are already on there i think it's just this one that isn't.
and to end here is my favorite post secret, of all time i think.
actually it's not my favorite of all time but it is my favorite for a long time. x
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