"stupid mistake, matchbox twenty, alcohol, suicidal."

WEDNESDAY 3RD JUNE 2009
14:53PM.

Well i am doing this merry (not) thing where i try to give up smoking, so far so good but it has infact only been 3-4 hours since my last cigarette. And, i am DYING for a cigarette but i shall not i shall not i have a packet of chewing gum and i shall persivere, i can't spell but you know what i mean.

Awhhh, me and Mike brushed Justins teeth this morning and it was the cutest thing ever, he keeps trying to crawl and he's getting one or two steps before he flies forwards and bangs his head and cries, poor thing bless him, but i'm sure he will get the hang of it soon lol.

Kirsty and Dan came over for a drink on Monday and it was hilarious, Mike was supposed to be at mine for 8 and by half 8 Kirsty was asking Dan if she could wax him tummy and he said (having faith in Mike) that he would let her if Mike wasn't here by nine, 9 came and went and Mike wasn't here so she waxed his tummy, hilarious lol I think Mike turned up around ten half tenish but i stopped checking the time after a while lol so i don't know.

Was a good night though, me and Kirsty ran out to get fags at like 1pm and pised in a bush by mine because we couldn't be bothered to go back to mine lmao.

I like being drunk, i woke up terrible yesterday morning though lmao, i was so drunk it was hilarious lol i had about 3 times what i usually do! lol.

Ooohhh, my phones been cut off, completely, what a fail i wish there was something i could do about it but there really isn't i simply can't afford to pay it.Shame, i think Kirsty and Dan and Mike are coming over for a drink again tonight but i'm not sure and now i have no way of finding out really because i can't get in touch with Kirsty i imagine she will go home after col though unless she's going straight to dans so i might just pop up hers around four and see if she's in and if not i guess i can leave a message with her mom.

I'm thinking of taking a walk up to charlies to get some mickey fins because nowhere around by mine sells um and a bottle of actual sours is £11.99 or something ridiculous whereas mickey fins are like £3.99.

I thought i'd lost my phone yesterday i worked myself up into a right panic but turns out it was in the phone section of the changing bag, how fucking thick am i, seriously? lol.

God, i need a fag, so bad.

It's not as hot today as it has been is it lol, which is a shame because i'm wearing a little top and a skirt :( lol that being said it is a long skirt so i guess its all gravy if i can find a cardigan to match, possibly my turquoise one lol.

I'm listening to matchbox today because i love them and because rob thomas has a beautifully amazing voice.

My phones been cut off and i need a fag really bad.

I've got a fat lump on my head because i banged it off the radiator last night, it really really hurt lol!

& i really need a fag.

My chewingum tastes like i don't know, but vile and not at all like a fag...

I really want a fag.

Oh god, i'm on a diet too, me and Kirsty decided to do diet and exercise together though the other day she did have a mcdonalds and i was very sad at her but we're trying anyway lol, i've done really well so far but saying that it's only been like three days but i've done lots of walking and a little bit of jogging and lots of eating healthily :) Me and Mike had a beautiful stir fry last night, twas gorgeous. I'm thinking of making a bacon and cheese pasta bake tonight i haven't had a pasta bake in forever lol and it is Niiicceee problem being that i don't think i have enough room in the fridge to put it in before i cok it and also i do not have any cling film to cover it with. Fail. I could buy some cling film i guess and i could attempt to make room in the frige...

My other suggestion was to make a chicken salad but i'm not entirely sure i want to yet, i'm not really sure what i want to do, salad is more of a snack/lunch thing anyway and i'm thinking about later later tonight lol.

Now, being on a diet and all surely it would be better and healthier to have a cheese and broccoli pasta bake? Or maybe i could have cheese broccoli AND bacon? Hmmm, i'm not sure lol, awh the itsy bitsy teeny weeny baby waby has bashed his head again. :( poor thing, he's okay though he had a two second whinge and went back to his juice lmao bless him.

I'm dying for a cigarette.

Lol awh poor Justin he has a little purple bruise on his head from flying into the floor yesterday, poor poor ducky. :( lol.

I really want a fag.

I need to go to the doctors and get an appointment for seeing the stop smoking nurse and then i think i will simply smoke up until my appointment and then i can get the merry inhalators and then i can give up because i physically cannot give up any other way, i can not do it i can not i can not i can not i can not i can not i can not i can not i can not i can not i can not. I can not.

Wow, i really need a fag, i'm going to have to go and buy some and Mike will not be happy but i shall work something out lol, i'll buy them up green lane because that way i can go to the doctors and attempt to make an appointment with the smoking nurse person according to Kirsty though she is only in one day a week so i might have to wait an entire week to see her, i don't mind though, i do actualy want to give up smoking mind, it is a filthy habbit and more importantly i am skint as a bint and i would like more money, but saying that, i do enjoy smoking. Not like every fag sometimes a fag is just a fag but sometimes it's like, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i needed that and now the world is right again" :)

Saying that if i'm supposed to be having a drink tonight i'm going to need fags because i actually can't have a drink without fags it makes me feel sick, sick sick sick, i'm going to have to go and buy some more, what i'll do though is i'll wait until about half three to put Justin in the pram and stuff and including going to the doctors and the shops by the time i'm done it should be good time enough to go down to Kirstys and see if she is in, saying that she will most likely be getting the 94 so i'll probably see her up green lane maybe i'll wait? But it would be a major fail if she was going straight to dans because then she would just sail past me on the 94 lol, i could wait but pretend i wasn't waiting for her... then i'd have to get on the bus though, LOLZ.

What have we learned here is love tastes bitter when it's gone... :)

Oh my god what a fail on sunday Lou was here and i was making a jacket potato and i fucking grated my thumb into the cheese, OWHCY OWCHY OWCH OWCH. It was such a painful fail it was ridiculous.

God i want a fag.

Its a shame because i'm giving up bad things like chocolate and crisps and also cigarettes and it is making me very not happy i am going to go and have a musli bar! and then i am going to cry and wish that hidden somewhere in my flat was a beautiful cigarette but sadly i know this not to be true, unless there's one in the changing bag, which i higly doubt but will probably look in a second now anyway, infact i don't know why i'm saying i highly doubt, i know for sure there isn't one lol. There's probably one somewhere in my room but i couldn't tell you where and it would probably be quicker to wait until half past and then go to the shops lol.

Anyway i'm off to try and find something to take my mind off my lack of cigarette! lol.


THURSDAY 4TH JUNE
21:53PM.

I thought i would blog because i'm waiting for Kirsty, Dan and Mike lol last night they all got here about ten past ten but Kirsty said she'd phone me when she met Dan and she still hasn't rang so i dunno lol.

Incase you were curious i did buy fags, boo me i know but it's okay because i've made an appointment at the doctors to see the stop smoking nurse for next tuesday afternoon. :)

I'm supposed to be at a ukyp meeting tonight but i forgot to book my taxi, i supposed it's best i'm not there though really considering all the shit with robyn at the moment. Fail.

lalalalalalalalalalalalalala. I don't know what to type i really haven't had a very fun day me and Kirsty went to town and that was very uneventful we wanted to find a fun game to play but turns out nowhere in town sells any interesting games for anywhere under £30. Fail.

Not even argos.

Kirsty. Takes. The. Piss. I can't even phone her, damn. fail <--- Mike added that bit, he thinks he's funny.

I like rob thomas. :)


FRIDAY 5TH JUNE 2009
10:02AM.

I should really be doing the vaccing, or sorting out the huge pile of papers on the table next to me, or putting the washing away, or doing the washing up, or putting my work uniform in the wash, or even just showering, getting dressed and doing my makeup but alas bothered is something i simply cannot be today.

At some point i need to go to green lane to post a letter and check my bank and i'd like to go and see harry and bella at some point also, i think i might be popping into Kirstys aswell and i need to give her all of her dvd's back because i've got shitloads of them and i need to swap them for new ones :P lol.

So, about last night... I decided i would go down to Kirstys to see what was taking her so long, i have no idea what was taking her so long but she walked back down with me anyway around half ten, we ended up borrowing pictionary off my dad and were forced to do girls vs boys. Major fail.

By the time me and Kirsty had got half way around the board the boys had already won, not fair at all. Lol, i am usually so, SO good at that game, but, i do get VERY pissy, hence beating Kirsty with a pencil... It happens alot. Thing is, i'm not like it with any other game, atleast i don't think i am lol.

I think Mikes in a mood with me or atleast i think he was last night but i also think that he thinks that i'm in a mood with him, Which i'm not, but it seemed like he was being funny with me last night but according to him it seemed like i was being funny with him last night, then we fell asleep.

So, god knows what's going on there lol. Fail about the carnival on sunday because turns out Louisa (who planned it all) is abit simple and it isn't actually on on sunday, then she decided we would go to sheldon fair but, turns out, neither is that. LOL, fail. I know there's water orton carnival but i'm pretty sure that's not on until the 12th. :( fail.

I have an hour to kil until Mike wants waking up though i'm sure when i do wake him up he will probably not actually want waking up for another half hour or hour or whatever but either way i am incredibily BORED. And i feel kinda sick, i guess i should make breakfast or something but i'm not sure i fancy anything, i might just have some toast, i had cereal yesterday and i had peanut butter and banana on toast the day before and i had cereal before that so i don't know what i want today.

Oh., i forgot to tell you, yesterday me and Mike decided the way forward was a cheese and broccoli pasta bake so i said i'd make one for when he got back from work. He clearly didn't expect me to because when he got in he was like "even though i know the answer already did you make the pasta bake" but then turns out apparently neither of us were hungry so it is still in my fridge ready to be ovened, fail being that i got over excited and made enough to feed a small country. I'm still not paticulaly hungry.

Mike had half his eyebrow waxed last night during a game of truth or dare, then he went in a mood because he'd had half his eyebrow waxed. It looks hilarious but he refused to look in the mirror, it's going to be upsetting when he wakes up because he is going to have completely forgotten i recon and then if and when he does look in the mirror, he is not going to be happy.

Lol it does look funny though, i would show you a picture but he refused to have one taken, miserable git lol.

At some point soon i need to save all the pictures i want printing onto a memory card and get my ass down to a printing place lol but i want to wait until i have 200+ because the more you have the cheaper it is per picture so 200 would cost £10 whereas 199 would cost almost £14 shocking huh?

Damn i was just about to tell you all something wonderfully interesting but i can't for the life of me remember what it might have been, damn it.

James was apparently going to get in touch with me about going to pick up my stuff and has totally just well, not bothered at all. Cunt. Thing is i text him mom before my phone got cut off saying that i need him to ring me about next weekend because i don't know if i can work it out because i'd have to pick Justin up at five but thats around about when i'd have to be getting ready for work so i don't know if i can do it or not and such but he's not bothered to get in touch with me, but it's all well and good because if he doesn't then i'm not going to be there and that is his fucking problem.

You know what i was wondering, can you still get a block on t mobile contracts because i know you can't on orange and the closest you can get on o2 is a spending limit and i remember Ami having a t obile contract a while back and she got a block on it but as i said it was a while back, because if you can there's a wicked phone with a wicked contract for £35 a month, and i can afford £35 a month, it was all well and good paying my phone bill when i wasn't going over... It's just when i somehow ended up with bills of like £80+ that it got a little hard to do, but yeah basically i can't remember what phone it is but it's a nice phone and it's unlimited texts and 700 mins for £35 i'm contemplating going into the t mobile shop and seeing if i can get a block problem being that i think it was an 18 month contract, and thats a long time. :( lol.

Christ, i still have 40 mins to kil until Mike wants getting up, lazy cunt. lol.

I think i'm going to go and make some breakfast and then i'm going to make up some bottles and once thats all done it will probably still only be about half past (It's 22 mins past at the moment)

& incase anyones interested, no i didn't vote, i'm not lazy, i figure if you don't know who to vote for, you shouldn't vote.

SATURDAY 6TH JUNE 2009
11:40AM.
Diet out the window, bacon sarnie.
On the phone to Kirsty, waiting for Lou my hair appointments supposed to be at one. lol. It's almost twelve and she still hasn't rang lol.

Yesterday was a bad one, Lou told Kirsty (youth worker) about my fail at od times and now i'm scared. I'm not mad at her like, but, i just don't know, so yeah, yesterday was tearful.

I need to go and make up some bottles for Justin in a second lol.

Mikes babysitting tonight while i'm at work bless him. :) I had a trauma earlier i couldn't find my work clothes lol.

Damnit Louisa, why haven't you phoned me yet!

It's like practically 12, what do i need to do before i go, erm, i need to get Justins food ready because he needs feeding at half one and i'm not sure who's watching him while i'm getting my hair done and i need to make up bottles and put my shoes on and i think/hope thats it i hope i haven't forgoten something really important but knowing me i probably have.

I phoned the newington the other day to make myself another appointment but got knows how long it is going to be. I probably need to see a doctor soon, i don't think i can wait two months for another appointment i really don't, bad as that sounds i'm just trying to be realistic to be honest.

I figure if i have to wait two months something bad might happen and if it does Justin might be taken away from me and i can't have that, i can't live with that i actually can't. So i figure i need to see a doctor and get some happy pills going on. :)

I'm so busy next week it's lolable.

Monday = baby group
Tuesday = parenting group, doctors appointment & dancing
Wednesday = shopping
Thursday = cooking
Friday = going out because James has Justin
Saturday = work
Sunday = I don't know what.

Saying that i'm busy this weekend too.

Today = Hair & work
Tomorrow = Doing something or other with Lou and Nath and possibly Mike, but god knows what as it turns out there seems to be no fairs or carnivals on at all lol. Lou's contemplating fun going for a meal times.

I need the loo lol and i'm going to go and make up bottles and possibly make myself another cup of tea and cry because i ate a bacon sarnie with cheese and well that means i probably shouldn't eat for the rest of the weekend lol and i was doing so well on my diet too. I've lost three pounds by the way, saying that though i've probably put it back on by now, i don't actually care that much about how much i weigh though, i just was to loose the flab around my tumy and hips lol.

Awh Justin is not happy and i need the loo and such so yes, i am off for now ly all xx

SUNDAY 7TH JUNE 2009
19:41PM.

Kirstys supposed to be coming over at 9 for a much much needed drink.To be honest i don't know what to say, i don't know what to tell you other than that things are, not good, not good at all infact. I think i'm having a genuine actual mental breakdown and i need to see a doctor as soon as is physically possible and i've made the biggest mistake of my life and broken up with Mike, i can't even begin to explain because i'm too upset and because i don't even understand myself but right now i hate myself and i feel like shit and i'm only blogging to warn you that there might not be any more. I just don't feel like it anymore. I just don't.