MONDAY 8TH JUNE 2009
Okay, so yesterday i made what i genuinely believe to be the biggest mistake of my life. And there's no way of getting out of it. Fail huh?
Well here's the story i figure even if i can't manage to explain it all to Mike, which i almost deffinately won't be able to (you'l hopefully understand why a little further on) then i can atleast tell all of you and get it off my chest, or whatever.
You may have to read between the lines abit because at the moment i have no idea what so ever what i am going to say if anything it probably won't make any sense and i'm going to have to wait a moment before i start anyway because Justin is under a stool.
So, yesterday as i'm pretty sure i've already told you i split up with Mike, i can imagine you're all thinking what my brother said when i told him "You dickhead" Yeah, i know. but here goes with the explination that i'm hoping will make sense on paper(ish) as well as in my head...
So, i got scared, basically, thats the gist of it but obviously i have alot more to say. It's like, hmmm, this is harder than i thought, come on, i'm a blogger it's supposed to be easy to write stuff down, if i can't write it down how on earth do i expect to tell him? I won't be able to will i? fuck. Damn it, for fucks sake, i fail i fail i fail.
Okay so let me try again, as you may or may not know, i've been having a pretty hard time for the past week or two and i'm telling you now that there is absoloutely no reason behind it, none whatsoever i'm just having one of those merry fum time lows that i haven't had in forever, atleast not one that lasts over a week and forces me to sob at random intervals throughtout the day for no reason and genuinely consider and even attempt to kill myself, not one of those, i haven't had one of those since before i got pregnant with my little man, thats a long time (18 months to be almost precise) and anyway, i think that that is what has started everything, i'm not blaming my bad mood and i'm not saying i broke up with him because i was in a bad mood but i think thats what started me thinking about and doing everything thats lead me up to it, if that makes sense?
Okay, first part over and done with now to attempt to continue, damn this is hard, this is so hard.
Its just that, okay, when i got with Mike i knew and i mean i really knew that i was in no way shape or form ready for a relationship yet, not at all but i just wanted to be with him so bad and i knew if i said no he wouldn't ask again, so i said yes, after a bit of persuasion from Kurtis i must admit but i said yes none the less and to be fair on him i probably shouldn't have because well it's ended up not being fair on him at all really hasn't it? fail.
And then like, being with him, it's amazing and he's so fantastic and i just love him so much that i got scared, and he's for the most ridiculous part there is, don't get me wrong there's much more to come, this isn't even the middle but it is by far the most ridiculous part... here goes.
I was scared to let him know how much i love him because i didn't want to scare him off because i love him so much that it scares me and somehow instead of scaring him off i scared my god damn self off because i was scared of scaring him off, fuck.
^ ridiculous huh, anyway so there's kind of partially a bit of a reason and then we can get down to the fact that he's spent the past week telling me i don't love him or it dosn't feel like i love him or whatever and i do i do i do i do i do but if it dosn't feel like that then i don't know what there is i can do, i don't know how to show somebody i love them i can tell him but thats all i can do and everyone knows after a while i love you dosn't mean shit but what else is there to say really? i'm no good with words i'm really not, so what else am i supposed to say, i don't know i just don't know but i love him so much and it hurt so much when he kept saying that i didn't or it didn't feel like i did or whatever because i don't know what i was doing wrong and i didn't know how to fix it.
And then i got to thinking that he said that he didn't feel like i loved him but turns out that i didn't really feel like he loved me, if that makes sense like? and i mean it's ridiculous because i was talking to Kirsty and she was saying how her and Dan were talking about how obvious how much we love eachother is and if everyone else can see it why can't we? ffs.
Random thought: It's like years ago when we had no clue we liked eachother. lol.
Anyway so i was thinking about that but i couldn't say it to him at the time that he was saying it to me because i thought that he might think that i was just saying it to be petty but i wouldn't have been but i thought that he might think that i was and then that would fuck things up too.
And it just feels like most of the time i can't do anything right by him, at all, i don't know why it just does, it's like if i say something then it's the wrong thing and if i do something then it's the wrong thing and i'm not saying that he treats me like that because he dosn't he's so gobsmackingly wonderful it's untrue its just that for some reason i feel like that i just feel like i can't do anything right by him and when you love someone so much then feeling like you can't do anything right by them is just well, a horrible horrible feeling.
And then there's the fact that he is clearly far too good for me what with me being 18 years old and going nowhere but through a divorce and dragging a baby with me, he dosn't deserve to have to be a part of that he dosn't he deserves so much more and if i'm honest i don't know what he was doing with me in the first place, he's so brilliant he's the kind of person ho walks into a room and it lights up instantly and i know everyone says that but if anyone reading this knows him then you will know it to be true, he's so funny and he manages to get on with absoloutely everyone, everybody loves him and he gives off such confidence and well i don't know and because i can't think of the word but he's just perfect, he's not afraid to say what he thinks and he takes the piss out of everything but in a funny way and he can't help but have his toes perminently glued to his tonsils (by that i mean he's always putting his foot in his mouth, not a freak pedicure accident) and it's so cute, and he's so funny and so nice and so, just so perfect to top it off he happens to be heartstoppingly gorgeous but that dosn't even matter, it's like, if he's so fantastic whats he doing wanting to be with me anyway, what am i really, i'm not funny as a person and whenever i am it's only because i've managed to majorly fail at life in such a way that you can't help but laugh though i can't think of an example off the top of my head, and i'm not exactly pretty, i mean i'm not putting myself down here and i guess i have attractive features, i like my lips sometimes, but as i was saying i'm not exactly what you'd call beautiful and i don't get on with people like he does, i don't like people, i don't speak to people. and then there's the fact that i'm genuinely insane. I mean what is someone like him doing with someone like me anyway? (can you see the paranoia factor)
He's too good for me by a long shot and he desrves to be with somebody else.
Anyway lets get back to the fear factor (thats not an attempted pun on the telly programme) It's like, okay, it's like i've been through so much shit and i'm not saying he hasn't too because i know he's had shit too but i'm just saying, i've been through so much shit that it made me kind of too scared to like, put myself, not out there but like, into it does that make sense, like i was holding back because i didn't want to put my whole self into it if that makes sense because i was scared that if i put everything into it then i would get hurt, right? and i don't know if that was the wrong thing to do or not, like, i didn't want him to know how much i love him and all that because for starters like i said i was scared i'd scare him away because it's like, i didn't really know where i stood with him and so i didn't really know what was apropriate to let him know and what wasn't i didn't want to turn around and say that i would happily spend every second i have left just being with him incase he ran for the god damn hills, you know? and then it got to the point where he was upset with me because he didn't think i loved him, how stupid, so i guess i wasn't doing the right thing by holding back but i still think if i'd told him he'd have run for the hills. It's like, so much it scares me, just thinking about him makes me genuinely happy and i mean like genuine happyness, not the situation kind where something good happens so you smile, the kind where everythings falling to shit and then you think of someone and you can't help but smile, atleast it used to until yesterday, now it just makes me feel like one huge stupid cock.
And on top of that i was scared that if he knew how much i love him and for whatever reason we did split up then i wouldn't be able to just be his friend knowing he knew everything you know? Because no matter what i will always want to be his friend, even if he dosn't want to be mine.
It's funny because one he said i didn't think, about anything substatial anyway, if only he knew...
Which gets me onto another point that being that he said that i never talk to him, and well heres the problem for some reason i can't talk to him i mean i physically can i know i can because i have done but i dont really know how it happened if i'm honest. but in general i just can't talk to him i don't know what it is but i've never been able to to be honest, i just don't feel comfortable around him, like i can't relax around him in that way, i mean i'm comfortable enough around him but like, not enough to erm, whats the phrase, erm... open up, like i don't feel comfortable enough around him to open up around him and thats no fault of his because i don't feel comfortable enough around hardly anyone to open up completely, infact i don't know if i've ever opened up completely around anyone except Ami when we were younger because for some reason that was easy. But it's worse with him, it just is i don't know why but i've always felt kind of a little bit on edge around him he makes me nervous, but in a good way like, he gives me genuine butterflies (i don't care how much that makes me sound like a 12 year old i've got nothing to lose now) but anyway it's like i care too much about what he thinks to really open up which is stupid because he's seen me in some fucked up states in the past, i mean come on he was around at the flat. But it's like, when i do talk to him, not about like serious genuine important things but just when we talk in general it's kind of like, he reads too much into little things that i say and takes things the wrong way and it's like if he dosn't get what i'm trying to say when its just something random then how can i expect him to understand a bunch of shit that i don't even understand properly.
I don't know if he was going to or not but i got it into my head while we were talking yesterday that he was going to break up with me, which got me thinking even more and made me even more scared and that kinda fucked me about abit more really
I don't really know what else to say if i'm honest other than to stress that a main factor is (stupid as it is) how much i love him, but how do you explain how much you love someone really? I mean you've got all the i would go to the end of the earth and back shit but noone actually would people just say it because they know noone is ever going to call them up on it, i'm not going to say i'd do anything for him because i wouldn't because noone would ever do ANYTHING for anyone because you never know what anything is but, i do love him, so much.
And i'm not trying to make excuses because you make excuses when you're trying to get out of something and i'm not trying to get out of anything because i know i've done something horribly and terribly wrong and well, i know that but i also know that none of these things are actual reasons to break up with somebody but with all these things rushing about in my head and me knowing there was no way i would ever be able to have the courage to talk to him about it i made a stupid rash decision to take the easy way out and instantly regretted it, which is a major bitch because not only have i never regretted anything in my life ever but i know that i've fucked up big style now and i've got no chance and thats something i'm just going to have to deal with.
Kirsty somehow managed to nag him into coming over to talk tonight god knows how because if i were him i wouldn't but either way it's something i'm incredibly thankfull for but also again petrified because like i said i can't talk to him and i know that all i have to do is try to tell him everything i've just typed out here and kind of try to make it make sense and make him understand it but in the back of my mind i feel like i know that he won't understand because like i said even i dont understand and i know that even if he does understand it is too late and there's nothing i can do about it but i just feel like i need him to know all this and that i owe him an explination at least.
I read somewhere that the only people you can ever love unconditionally are your children, but i have a child and i've experienced that unconditional love, and i don't agree.
So yeah, basically i fucked up big style and i'm going to be kicking myself for a long time.
It's taken me exactly an hour to type all this out and i'm an incredibly fast typer.
On a totally and completely different note, Kirstys coming over after college and i think we're going to quick time nip up town so i can check if you can get a block on a t mobile contract, if you can i'm going to get one. lol. That won't be until about two though so i don't know what i'm going to do until then, i might go on a mad cleaning spree spurred through depression and hunger.
Please excuse the terrible spelling and punctuation and such today as i am far too depressed to use the spellchecker.
The health visitor just came round i forgot she was coming over today, Justins all well and good he's just had his lunch and now he's in bed having a nap and i'm thinking now would be the time to go on a mad cleaning spree before Kirsty comes over but knowing Kirsty she will be late by atleast half hour so that gives me about an hour and twenty mins lol.
Anyway Jenny (the health visitor) is worried about me and scared i'm going to kill myself, so much so that she's phoning the newington later in an attempt to rush my appointment along and she is also going to phone me in a day or so and she's coming round next tuesday, it was going to be next wednesday but i'm meeting Jeremy Kyle next wednesday so you know, did i tell you about that, he's doing a book signing in borders next wednesday and i vow to meet him because he is the most amazing thing on tv since, erm, well i'm not sure but either way he is pretty cool. I have a headache and i feel ick and i am rapidly running out of fags and may have to attempt to go to veira's and get some on tip because i do not have any money, fail. My appointment to give up is tomorrow, at ten to 5. There's a parenting group aswell that to be honest i don't really want to go to. I'm supposed to be going to an art group at 2 but i don't really feel like being around people right now to be fair.
TUESDAY 9TH JUNE 2009
Well the plan today was to go to the parenting group but i was too tired, i'm shattered today. So now my secondary plan is to have a mad tidy up (if i can be bothered) Have a shower and actually shave my legs because for some unknown reason i haven't shaved my legs in what looks like it must be atleast a week. So far today i have done none of these things mind, well, i've tidied up a bit but there is much more to be done but saying that Justin has only just gone to bed, wow i'm so tired, i'm really really tired, and i have no food in at all what so ever and i really can't be bothered to go to the shops yet i want to go for a nap because Justin is having one but i need a shower and i can't have a shower while he's up so well, fail.
I could have a quick shower and then a nap... AHHH, thats why i haven't shaved my legs in ages, lol. Saying that i need to wash my hair too, infact fuck it i may have to convince Kirsty or someone to watch the baba for abit later and i'll have a bath.
I have a doctors appointment at ten to five to try and give up smoking which is merry considering i only have 2 fags left lol.
Anyway i know you're all dying to know what happened with me and Mike last night.
Well, first of all he got to mine while i was out and me and Kirsty spent ages looking for him, then, turns out i just really couldn't talk to him, so i made him read my blog. And then he left.
And then he came back and asked me back out.
I don't think i've ever been happier.
And now i'm going for that nap. He's coming over around 3ish. :)
Well todays been accidently very busy and now either my flat is singing to me in a very high pitched and strange way or my ears are ringing horrendously. I'm not sure which. So anyway.
Apparently i had an appointment with Anita earlier which, well obviously i did because she came round but i had totally forgotten and was in bed as i said i would be, but she came over anyway and we had a chat and she brought someone with her and we had to send him out to wait in her car because i didn't want to talk infront of him, lolz at me i fail i know right?
Anyway so yeah, we spoke and then i thought ahh finally i can go to bed now but then Kirsty phoned me and i've been chatting to her most the morning at random intervals and then i got a phone call off orange looking for james lol and then i got a phone call of Mel because she's managed to find me a childminder for the youth council meetings, there's a ukyp meeting this thursday that i can't make because she can't watch Justin then but there's a youth council meeting on monday that she's going to watch Justin for, atleast thats what were hoping, Mel's going to go up there with me tomorrow so i can meet her and so Justin can meet her and such. :)
I think the strange ringing noise is my laptop.
Either way it kind of hurts.
Anyway yeah, Mels been a star and i'm finding it funny how news travels. I told Lou that i was having a bad day and was suicdal and such like ages ago (i've already told you about this) but now all the youth workers know, fran knows, my health visitor knows and so does my cpn. lol.
I've run out of cigarettes and that is not good, Justin isn't sleeping today, he really just won't sleep at all, he didn't sleep yesterday either until about 9pm i don't know why it's not like there's anything wrong he just, isn't sleeping, strange child.
I finally got my healthy start vouchers through today so i'm hoping after my doctors appointment that Mike wont mind coming to the shops with me so i can get some bits and bobs, just like milk and bread and such.
I've tidied up lots, but i need to take my rubbish out and i really can't be bothered right now.
I told Mike i'd read his story but the noise my laptop is making on top of Justin crying is driving me round the fucking bend so i'm going to have to turn it off, fail, Mike should be here soon anyway, and Kirsty should be phoning me soon too because her doctors appointment was halfd hour ago and she said she'd ring afterwards but i don't really know how long it takes to see a smoking advisor because when i did she came round to mine.
I have to meet Mel at the bp at 11:45 tomorrow morning, fail. lol.
THURSDAY 11TH JUNE 2009
Well yesterday was actually a quite nice/eventful day lol. Louisa phoned me in the morning with a trauma only Louisa could have, but i won't get into it because it's personal. Then i went to meet Mel and the childminder like i said i would (who's name is chris and seems really lovely) and then i went to the base in kingshurst and met Louisa and waited for her to speak to Mel and then we went to town for a bit and then i came back and met Kirsty and Dan and chilled with them and Justin and Teigan in Kirstys garden and well, that was basically it, but it was nice lol.
Argh, my smoke alarm just went off. :( i hate it when that happens, especially as i haven't even burnt anything, i'm just grilling a chicken breast lol. Kirsty was supposed to have phoned me by now, we were supposed to go town today at twelve but she's had stuff to do so we've decided to go tomorrow morning instead. lol.
Today i have, nothing to do. I still haven't gone to get my stop smoking stuff so i have that to do and i'm supposed to have a cooking class in 15 mins but i haven't got the stuff so i dunno what i'm going to do to be honest,. but i'm cooking anyway so maybe it's okay? (i'm making a chicken salad if anyone was interested)
Justin had toast for breakfast today bless him. :)
For some reason and i do not know what that reason is all the skin on my fingertips has gone all terrible and peely and my fingertips are SO sore and i have no idea why but it really hurts, my wrist is better from last week though but now i'm having problems with my foot, lol. I just can't get a break can i? haha, that was a joke by the way i'm not actually being "oh the world hates me why can't i get a break" I thought i'd just say that o you know, because people seem to be worried about me recently, but honestly i am fine, infact i'm better than fine, i'm meeting Jeremy Kyle in less than a week. :)
Going out with Mike tomorrow night, should be funtimes we're going to rosies lol so i can see everyone at worky joy and lol at them haha.
Ami phoned me yesterday i haven't spoke to her in ages so twas cool and i asked her to come over last night and she said she'd ring me when she finished work but she didn't lol, i hate not having a phone, well not having mins, anyway i'm going to go and check on my chicken.
I am now the proud owner of a fucking beautiful chicken salad. :) I'm off to eat ttfn x
SATURDAY 13TH JUNE 2009
I should really be sleeping for work but i've been lying in bed for the past 45 mins and i just can't seem to fall asleep which is a bit of a fail as i didn't get to sleep until about half two this morning and was wide awake by half eight after waking up at half 6... fail fail fail i'm going to be fucked for work later i really am.
Because James had the baba last night instead of tonight its been murder trying to get a babysitter but lou's mom can do it now so it's okay.
Me and Mike went out last night or atleast that was the plan but i went to town in the day and it was really hot and well i just didn't feel very well, i think i had sun stroke or something ridiculous like that because i was really ill all day but i thought i never get to go out because whenever i don't have Justin i have work so i decided we would go out anyway so we did.
I threw up at the pub and then i threw up in rosies too so we ended up leaving stupidly early (i'm talking like half 11) and then i threw up stupid amounts the second i stepped out of the taxi, i was really ill, thing is i didn't even have a drop of alcohol i was drinking water all night lol.
It was an alright night though i felt much better after i'd been sick all over the car park outside my house lol.
Mike got very pissed when he got back to mine, he necked two bottles of smirnoff which was very very funny lol.
He also asked me if we could have an open relationship but seemed very reluctant to tell me exactly what it is he wants lol, he still hasn't told me really even though we spoke about it this morning but i've been thinking about it since he asked and i think i really need to speak to him about it, there's alot of things he wants to do that i'm really just not comfortable with/interested in so i dunno, perhaps he should go do them? I'm not sure, advice please if you can? But either way i think i need to talk to him about it properly like an actual in depth conversation, saying that though i'm not seeing him now until tuesday and i probably will have forgotten by then i'll try not to though.
I was just about to go into great detail about what i think about all this but then i realised that i'm not entirely sure, infact i have no clue what so ever i'm in like 1000 different minds about it and i can't really explain in words how i feel about it not even on my blog so i guess i just need to do a bit more thinking lol.
Don't you hate that when things make perfect sense/sentances in your head but then when you go to say them or write them down you can't even form words lol? That kind of thing happens to me all the time.
I'm reading the perks of being a wallflower yet again for the 10000th time but i've got to the bit where it all goes pete tong for poor charlie and i don't want to read it anymore, i don't like this bit it makes me very sad because he fucked up big style but it wasn't really his fault but it really was because it isn't fair because that kind of thing happens to me all the time and well, it just isn't very nice really.
I need to text Kirsty in a moment (yes i can text from my mobile internet thing) and ask her to phone me to do me one big big favour lol.
I picked up my stop smoking inhalators yesterday but i still had fags so i've only started it this morning but i don't think a day where i have work is a very good day to give up smoking because well, its all i do at work when i'm waiting to go in/on my break/waiting to go home/at lou's before hand so i think i should probably buy another pack and give up tomorrow lol.
I think Lou wants to pick me up from my dads lter but that would involve me carrying the travel cot to my dads and i refuse to do such a thing lol i need to ask Kirsty if she is going to be in around five to do me a favor and help me carry the car seat and the baba back because it is really heavy with him in so my plan is to take the pram with me put him in the pram and push him home but i need the car seat for Lou to pick me up later and i also need it for the youth council meeting on monday so i can't leave it at my dads like i usually do so i need someone to help me by carrying it back for me, it isn't heavy when Justin isn't in it lol.
I need a phone so badly i hate not being able to contact anybody it's driving me round the god damn bend but i keep not going into phone shops because i know deep down that the stupidest thing i could ever do would be to get another contact phone but it is the only thing i can think of to do because i simply can't afford to get a new phone and sim and then top it up and in all fairness you do get more for your money on contract provided that you don't go over, there's a really good contract in the t mobile shop 800 mins and unlimited texts for £25 but when i went to get it they said i passed for it and then changed their minds and decided i only passed for a sim card contract not a phone one which is ridiculous because there's no point paying £30 a month for a little bit of plastic that i don't have to phone to put it in in the first place, well i do have a phone but it is locked to orange and so far as far as i can tell un-unlockable which really is a shame otherwise my problems would be solved, in a way anyway.
I really want a cigarette, i should probably get dressed and the flat is a state the whole flat needs extreeme tidying but i really just can not be bothered at all i really can't it needs like a proper serious spring cleaning i'll do it monday or something, well i wont because i have baby group and then i have a youth council meeting and i wont do it tomorrow because i plan to sleep as much of the day away as i possibly can keeping in mind that i will have Justin lol.
I need to make up some bottles in a moment and get Justins food ready for tomorrow but again i just really can not be bothered right now, i have until five i guess but i need to wash the bottles and sterilise the bottles and then make the bottles up and well it is going to take ages and far too much effort than i am willing to put in right now for some reason i feel really light headed and funny and i'm not sure why at all i have since i got up well not since i woke up but when i got out of bed this morning i was really light headed and i assumed it was just because i got up to quick but itcan't be because i'm still just as light headed which don't even make sense right now considering i am sitting down.
Wow i've been waffling on for like a million pararaphs and i can imagine that i haven't even said anything even remotely interesting or substantial but i do not care because it is keeping me busy and i need something to keep me busy or i shall go insane it is just something to do right now that requires minial effort and i can't be bothered to do anything else i'm too tired but not actually sleepy tired i feel, erm, emotionally drained and i have no clue why not at all.
Kirsty can't phone me because everyone is out and she has no phone to use and she only has texts on her phone so i am texting her instead lol.
I'm going to stop writing now and go for a wee, i would say and get dressed but its pointless because i'll only be putting my work clothes on soon anyway so i can't be bothered to get dressed right now i just really can't.
I need to buy coat hangers really soon so i can put my eardrobe up and sort out my clothes and hopefully take them to a carboot some time soon and posibly even make some money because i really do not know where my money goes i have none and i really do not know where it goes at all i need to start budgeting better, much better and possibly even trying to save some...
Saying that if i do manage to give up smoking then all will be well and good because ill be saving like £21ish a week possibly even more problem being that it will just go on random other things and i wont even fucking notice i'm going to start just not spending my money at all, right, literally all i physically need a week is enough to pay my weekly bills and buy my shopping so like £70? So from now on i think i am going to change my standing order so that only £80 (an extra tenner just incase) goes into my bank and then rest goes into my savers account and i am going to forbid my dad from letting me use him interest to put money into my bank unless it is an emergency lol.
God i feel tired and ill. Fuck, i need to go and do bottles don't i though hopefully James will have made up the two bottles we normally make up for eachother but if i'm honest i don't trust him so i never rely on those so i will go and make some up now after i've gone for a wee that is.
Okay so i can't get it out of my head, the thing with this open relationship thing is im not really sure what that IS, i mean i think im right in saying its different in every relationship and it has to be something set down by the two people in the relationship right? i mean there's no set rules until you, well, set rules right? but the thing is i don't want anyone else i really don't im not even trying to be corny and cheesy or soppy or whatever i just really don't i mean sure i find other people attractive ofcorse i do its human nature but i don't actually WANT anyone else i mean it dosn't upset me that he does because like i said it is just human nature and like, he wants to experiment and well thats fair enough, everyone does at some point i suppose but i don't want to be the girl he does that with i'm not comfortable with that and its not that i'm not comfortable with things like that because well, i've done things before and i'm not saying that proudly but it is just a fact and in my opinion when it comes to things like threesomes and such (the kind of thing he keeps saying he wants) they only ruin relationsips i mean i'm not against them in any way but i just don't think there something that should be involved in a realtionship and i really don't know what to do about it really...
If its something he wants to do i don't really have any right to stop him i mean that isn't fair of me and if i were to then i think he would probably only go and do it anyway and that isn't a reflection on him thats but how i feel because well to be perfectly honest it's whats been done before so it's just what i've come to expect and i can't turn around to him and say no i don't want you to do this because it is his life and if he wants to do something he should be able to right?
So i don't know what to do i mean like, shall i just tell him to go and do what he wants and i'll wait around until he's done or what? I know for a fact that there is no way of swaying me and i do not do not do not want to be the girl he does these things with i mean like i said things like that just ruin relationships and if he was just some random bloke that i liked and happened to be sleeping with then it would be different but he isn't he's Mike and i love him and that changes everything you know?
Has anyone else even been asked for an open relationship and if so, did they feel as, unwanted as i do right now?
Even though i'm pretty sure that isn't the case and i'm not upset for him asking, it's just, i don't know i can't explain, anyone got any advice to offer?
I'm still somehow not managing to get out what i'm thinking not properly and i feel really rough i can't concentrate or focus on anything and i don't know what im doing im just trying and typing and typing like my life depends on it and i dont even know what im fucking saying but i can't stop and i feel like i'm going to be sick and i think i'm dying i really feel like any moment now the world is going to go black and i'm just going to pass out i don't know why, i just don't i'm so confused eurgh argh argh argh it isn't because of this by the way its just i don't know i just feel like it and someone is playing lady gaga's new song and i don't like it well i do but i don't i think i like it in a merry way when im in the mood to listen to stupidly pointless shittypop music that has no meaning and is just a song and that is all it will ever be but i am not in that mood today i want to listen to something with meaning even if it is just and song and that is all it will ever be i want to listen to something beautful but noone around here ever plays anything beautiful noone ever ever even i don't because i don't have anything beautiful to play and when i do i am afraid that if i play it i will die not in an actual dying way just in a erm, like the time i was listening to damien rice on repeat and i was lying on my kitchen floor in the dark and it was spinning round and round in different directionds and i was spinning too and my heart was in my stomach and i could feel it pumpingin my stomach and thats all i could feel exept for the spinning, i'm afraid if i listen to something beautiful that will happen again.
Christ what the fuck am i writing today? Damnit i don't know whats wrong with me today i really don't istill can't stop typing though. FUCK i need to stop i need to stop right now and put some music on and play spider solitare until i pass out and then there will be nothing to worry about ever again.
SUNDAY 14TH JUNE 2009
I find it hard to beleive that it is only sunday morning it feels like it should atleast be monday,. Work last night dragged on and on and on like hell it really did take the piss and i got shitloads of glass in my feet, stabbed myself in the thumb by sticking my hand in the sink only to find what i thought was ice was actually broken glass and on top of that at the end of the night i managed to shut my finger in the door, painful fail.
Christ, i need to go and wash and sterilise and make up some bottles but at the moment i really can't be bothered i'm so tired, the flat is a major shit tip and i need to tidy it up but again i can't really be bothered just yet, i've only just got in from Louisa's to be honest.
So, i have, interesting news that some may find amusing, James is getting evicted tomorrow apparently for not pying his rent and dosn't know where he is going to live, fail on his part but lol anyway. But yeah, so he's given me a set of keys so i can go and pick my stuff up today, trust today to be the day my uncle is away and my dad is out, fail i have no way of getting there bar bus and i can't very well bring my stuff back on three busses with Justin, i mean it just wouldn't work not to mention the fact that i can't really spare the busfare.
My only other option being a taxi which would be horrendously expensive, i know this because i got one from his house to the airport while i was still living there, it was only £25 but when all i have in my purse is about £6 £25 is a hell of a bloody lot! lol.
Apparently Louisa has been ordered by her family to check my fridge whenever she comes over to make sure i have food and such lolz blessum. :) I love Lou's family (& lou but that goes without saying) they're all ace. :)
Although i am aware that i was supposed to give up smoking i have not yet done so simply because working at rosies it is impossible to not smoke, in my opinion i mean what would i do on my break if i didn't chain smoke? lol.
My finger is really sore all the skin is all flappy offy and such there's no blood now though there was last night but not much haha and my nail is still usual colour though its a bit darker than the rest but atleast it hasn't turned black lol.
Wow all i want to do in life is sleep but unfortunately i know this is not a possibility so i am going to have to blog a bit more and put some music on and do some bottles and just tidy like hell, i figure i should try and keep myself up as much as possible and then just go to bed when Justin does because then when it's time to go to baby group tomorrow morning i wont be too tired lol.
Youth council meeting tomorrow night, the first night Justins having with his childminder. :) I hope he likes it there and i hope he dosn't play up too much.
I'm going to have to put some music on and have a cigarette, i can't wait till i've got my stuff from James' cd's mp3 players, dvd's i'm excited, that is if i can get it today my dad said if he gets a chance he will give me a ring but that he is very busy today fail. I can't think of ANYONE else i know with a car that would do it to be honest. What a fail it isn't even like i have any more time its like, today or, i don't know.
Takes the piss, to say the least.
I cant believe it is only ten past 11 what a fail, i checked post secret earlier but they hadn't changed when i did, fail because i don't know if i'm going to be able to get online again today so i might not be posting this until tomorrow lol.
God, i'm listening to heart fm.
That can never be good.
FOREVER AND EVER YOU'LL STAY IN MY HEART AND I WILL LOVE YOU....
Christ, my life, could it get worse.
I'm SOO TIRED. It's actually stupid how tired i am...
Damn, i know the song that is playing but i can't remember for the life of me what it is, but i know i love it, lol fail... hmm, what is it damn it. damn damn damn...
god knows but its put that "cuz your everywhere to meeee" song in my head.
I can't beleive how excited i am at the possiblility of getting all my music from james'
and stuck in my head i have...
When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go, downtown, when you've got worries all the noise and the hurry seems to help i know, downtown just listen to the music of the traffic in the city... and so on.
Petula clark for the win.
I have no clue if i've spelt that right or not.
But either way i'm off to wash bottles and then probably go for a nap even though i just said my plan was to say up i don't actually think i can. lol. ttfn xxx
Okay so i only got up at half one, fed Justin moved all dangerous items from the living room floor and well, came on here.
But can you blame me, i did have work tonight, someones just text me and i can't be bothered to go and get my phone but it could be important, damnit its on the complete other side of the room.
My entire flat needs such a good tidy up/clean and i still need to put my wardrobe up! lol
It was Kirsty asking if me and Mike want to go to tenerife in november lol i've told her i'll ask Mike when i see him tuesday but that if i can afford it i'm deffinately there, though saying that i will have college lol!
I've just got a horrible shooting pain in the back of my sholder and i have no idea why, eurgh i'm all achey and tired and dying today i really do feel like shit today lol and not even in a depressed way in a genuine i am achey and tired and i feel sick and i have a headache and i NEED to tidy up and i can't seem to force myself to do it.
I'm literally PRAYING my dad will be able to take me to James' to get my stuff today, thats only going to make things a whole lot messier mind, but i need my stuff, damn it.
Right i am going to start in the kitchen and work my way through the entire flat i really really am. I'm off to scrub the kitchen, literally, though i don't have a mop which would be pretty helpful in my scrubbingness.
I might pop into chelmsley tomorrow after baby group and pick up some hangers and a mop depending on how much money i have because i'd need busfare home and money to buy stuff obviously lol.
I have just over £15 and i'm under the impression that i have £5 in the bank so i guess that isn't too bad, then again considering i got paid from work friday... lol.
I have no clue how i manage to spend so much money so quickly i need a budget programme thingy like microsoft money but i have no way of getting it and even if i could it wouldn't run on this computer for shit lol wordpad hardly runs on it, it is slow and old and has NO memory. lol.
I guess i could use an a4 pad and make my own merry little budget thing, like a calender but different...
Hmm, i don't thinki have a pad of big enough paper, saying that i will do in my art stuff at James', again, hope that my dad can take me up there later, anyways i really am off to scrub my kitchen now thing being that i can't take the rubbish out unless Justin is in bed & it smells to be fair so even when my kitchen is clean it is going to smell of rubbish and the rubbish in my house = tea bags, fag ends, nappies and discarded babyfood. It does not smell good i can tell you that, hence why i recently brought scented bin liners, can you buy scented actual black bags? That would be pretty damn good it realy would.
Right i'm done chatting i'm off now.
Tomorrow i could do with buying some cleaning products too, i'm running low, OKAY i'm going i'm going.
It's upsetting how quick that was, i feel like i can't be finished saying that i'm not, not really, i need to tidy up the table in the corner and put the washing machine on and make up Justins bottles and again, i don't have a mop and can't take the rubbish out yet, but oh well i guess it's time to start on the living room but the living room is pretty alright it just needs a quick vac and Justin's toys putting away which i can't do until he's gone to bed for the night anyway, fail being that all else i need to do is my room and the bathroom and Justins room but i don't really wanna leave Justin in here on his own lol, i'm going to attempt to clear a space from clothes and try and put the wardrobe up i think. lol.
Going for a walk with Kirsty in a bit so need to go and get dressed i'll tidy the rest of the house when Justin goes to bed later it's just easier, even though i'm yawning my head off still, i'm not sure why though to be honest i didn't wake up until nine and then i slept from like 12 till half one.
I really want to get my room sorted but i don't have the hangers or the storage for the things i don't want to keep or the internet for quick time putting them on ebay in stupidly large lots lol.
What i think i might do is sort them into lots and put the lots into bags and fine a way to label them and take photo's on my phone (because it's the best thing i have to take photo's on which don't say much) and then when i go to my dads next which will possibly be after baby group and chelmsley tomorrow then i will put them on ebay for a week listing thing then i can just check them again next monday and if any sell it will all be good and if not then oh well lol. I'll have to do it collection only though.
Thing is i always plan to do that and i never actually do, tonight i actually will i actually really really will i wll also sort out the clothes i am going to keep into nice outfits and to make sure i actually get rid of things i will have to do the whole if i haven't worn it in 6 months/it dosn't go with atleast 3 other things i'm keeping then i will throw it away. Hopefully i'll make enough money to get some new clothes because i'm hopeing to find some random ruthlessness inside me and end up with very little considering i own over 10 pairs of jeans and 40+ shoes not inclduing anything that is still at James'
Right i'm going to make bottles up and get dressed and get Justin dressed and into the pram, god i feel like shit, i feel like i have NO energy what so ever, i might by some pro plus or something similar up green lane, i really need it i feel drained as hell. :(:( ttfn. x
Thank the lord, i have a hairdryer. :D
Okay so the tidying up plan for today hasn't really gone so well, at all, i mean i did tidy the kitchen to be fair to myself but then when me and Kirsty went to vieras instead of coming back and tidying up i went to James' to pick up my stuff because my dad took me. Not that i got all my stuff, i'm still missing 2 mp3 players a tv a laptop and a computer not to mention cd's, photo's and Justins scan pictures. But anyway, when i got back from James' i went to Kirstys and then to the chippy and now i am home and Justin is in bed and i should probably start tidying up now.
Saying that going to James' has really made me appreciate the fact that my flat, even my bedroom, could be a hell of a lot worse, oh the state and the stench of that place, god it was discusting i almost vomited on many occasions.
Christ i can't even bring myself to tell you about it, i shall try though, look in your sink, or on your side i imagine somewhere there is a plate you've not yet got round to washing up from something you ate earlier, imagine what that would look like in 6 months, times it by about 50 and then put them all over your house, tip a few hundred ashtrays over and chuck around some old needles, plastic bags and general household rubbish, you have one room. It's a three bedroom house for christ sake. My stuffs probably hidden in there somewhere but i couldn't bring myself to go through it all for any longer, it was like searching through an actual skip the lowest moment being when i lifted up some random wood to find a plate that had clearly been used as an ashtray for atleast two packets of fags and also still had old food on.
There was alot of baby toys there to be honest but i really just could not bring myself to take them, i couldn't give my son something that had been in that house.
And i'm not even being mean when i say i've had to disinfect my hands (i have a cut on my finger and don't feel like dying today)
Oh god, it was just, horrendous there are no words to say it.
My dad was saying how it was quite sad because there was all this stuff that had been brought for Jutin and well, he's right it is quite sad even i felt quite sad when i went into the room that was going to be his. Not because of the whole failed relationship thing that dosn't effect me in the slightest it just, is a sad thing really isn't it because the room had been so pretty and stuff and oh i dunno how to explain it but perhaps you already underand.
Anyway back to what i was origninally going to say, i am going to go and sort my flat out now because even though it is a far cry from the state of that house it's made me feel all germy and like i should disinfect everything and anything, i'm hoping to have my room sorted out by the time Mike comes over on tuesday, not for any paticular reason just the fact that it's the only deadline i can think of lol.
Eurgh i have baby group tomorrow morning and a youth council meeting tomorrow night and then tuesday i have a doctors appointment and i can't remember if the health visitor is coming over tuesday or thursday to do Justins development check and i also can't remember when Anita is coming over next, friday i think.
But either way i have a busy week, i hate busy weeks, the only highlight being that i'm going to see Jeremy Kyle on wednesday. :) I need to go to town at some point before wednesday so i can buy a copy of his book unless i just buy it when i get up there wednesday because i plan to get there early to avoid too much queuing what with having Justin and that it isn't really fair on him to make him wait in a queue all day just so i can get jeremy to sign a copy of his book for me lol.
Wow, i'm excited now i really really am.
I wonder if i can put my wardrobe up by myself or if i would need assistance of if i could do it but would need medical assistance afterwards, i managed to put my sofa up and it is a small wardrobe but when i put my sofa up i was pissed and a pissed thing and it was very hard and i lost all feeling in my middle finger for about a month...
Hmm, i might try it i need to clear space first though so i am going to go and sort out my clothes, keping in mind that the last time i tried i saw my bed and ended up falling to sleep before i even noticed i'd walked accross the room, but i want to make it all pretty and nice because i don't like sleeping in a room where i have nowhere to put my clothes so they litter the floor, it is not plesent, i also have some coat hangers, not many mind but as i said it is a small wardrobe and i have alot of clothes that i need to get rid of asap, i just thought i've just been at my dads i could have borrowed his camera to take photo's of stuff, i didn't think of that, clever me. Not. Right i'm off probably for the night now but you never know, i might come back ly all ttfn. :) xx
So i would up getting drunk enough to think putting up my wardrobe which isn't actually that small up on my own was a brilliant idea, it isn't too bad but i am still kinda drunk and will edit all the terribleosity later in the morning.
My back is killing me to a terrible extent and all i want to do now is go to bed but i can't because in an attempt to tidy my room i somehow ended up emptying everything i got from James' on the living room floor and where that usually wouldn't be too bad there is the fact that Justin will probably not appreciate it in the morning. It shouldn't take too long to clear up though its mainly just dvds and cd's and random bags and shoes that i can just shove into my rom, my room which i have decided i will finish sorting out tomorrow because i am physically far too tired to do it tonight and far too drunk, though my wardrobe came out pretty good its abit delicate though and may fall apart easily, but i think it's okay. ttfn :) x