Read no history: nothing but biography, for that is life without theory.

Read no history: nothing but biography, for that is life without theory - Benjamin Disraeli.

12:41pm.
Again i have only just woke up. No surprises in the fact that the bank is still empty and i have no post. Then again i sent an online query to try and track down my child benefit claim so hopefully i will receive a reply soon. I got this email this morning

Thank you for getting in touch with the Child Benefit Office

If you have sent us information we will use it to update your Child Benefit account.

If you have asked us a question we will aim to give you a full reply within ten working days,

although if your enquiry is more complex it may take up to 20 working days.

If we cannot give you a full reply, we will let you know what action we are taking.

So i imagine it will take 10 working days i don't think its an overly complex question. So including today which is Monday I should receive a reply by the 12th? Well I'm hoping i will have already received something in the post by then. This is so ridiculous. Do they not realise that i erm well, have a son to look after and that that requires money. Do they not realise that in order to keep the temporary roof over our heads i need to pay rent, something else that requires money. Do they not care that i am being kicked out at the end of January regardless and will actually be living under an underpass with a tiny b aby! Ffs, i don't think any of these people that are supposed to be helping me real ise why they are helping me. Its ridiculous. I'm so depressed and angry today. I think I'm going to sit and wallow in self pity. Lol at my life. You know what would be nice? Someone to cry on. I mean despite ll this in general i am happy i really am but sometimes everyone needs a good cry. I'm not saying like, oh i have no one. boo for me. Because i do i have some amazing friends. but I'd just like someone i can sit and cry with, well not so much with. Just, someone that i can sit with and cry and they wont ask whats wrong just, let me cry for a bit, you know? I could probably do with that. Or failing that some sours would do. lol. I was hoping my money would come through in time to go out with Zoie for her birthday Saturday but i don't think that's going to happen which is a huge shame because i was really looking forward to it. I doubt I'll be able to go out with Amber either which again is a huge shame. :( My DLA comes in tomorrow. an d i have to pay my phone bill £72 Justin's Nappy's and milk for the month £40 i owe Cathryn £7 I have no clue how much rent my dad wants because he keeps just saying it depends how much you have. I'm trying to remember how much i used to pay last January before i moved out. Like £20 a week or something? So that's £80 Leaving me with damn near nothing. I need to phone the doctors as well and reclaim for DLA because because i turn eighteen in January its getting reviewed but I've lost the blo ody claim form. I wonder if i can do it online... I'll check now. That would be easier anyway. I'm still listening to Nickelback's new album. (L) it. Ohhh yes you can claim online. So I'll do that now. Whats the betting that i wont get it because its my life? Yeah... Oh even better, the page wont load. My only other option is to download a claim form to print on the computer and print, my dad has no printer... I'll do it and email it to myself and print it at my nans i guess? Hmm. I have a feeling for some reason that this page wont load either. Or that my dads firewall will block it. OH HOW MERRY. "Page load error" Pfft, my life. If i phone up to get one it will take so long that i will miss out. I should have claimed a long time ago when they sent me the form like in July or something. I thought it would be okay to put it off because I'm dumb like that. I thought alot of things would be okay, I'm always wrong, i don't know why i even bother listening to myself anymore. None of the links on this website work. :( I don't know if its this com puter or if they just, don't work but i can imagine considering the importance of the links they would make sure they worked right? So maybe its my dads firewall or something stupid. Bit of a bummer really. I'll ring my nan in a bit and see if i can go down there to do it. Maybe she'll lend me a stamp to post it too. I stole a stamp of her last week mind... Was it last week? I think it was... Just asked Kirsty if i can use her computer/printer. That way i get to see the puppy and nick a fag as well. :) I STILL have shitty extension glue in my hair i can't get it out and, how sad is this lol, i can't afford the special shampoo stuff that gets it out! James brought over some of my old diary's when he picked Justin up on Saturday. I've only just brought myself to read them. There's one from 2004, like 2004 before i met James. Its, shocking. Wow, everything is so different, I'm so different, everyt hing has changed so much! Then obviously they go up to 2005,6&7. I don't think i kept one this year though. I so badly wish i was still Jessica Gill the girl that doodled hearts and stuff in the back of her diary surrounded by the name of the person she liked at the time. I'm glad I'm not, because if i were i wouldn't have Justin, but it still just seems like life was much simpler back then. Again, i know it wasn't but reading my old diary's doesn't help my belief in yesterdays theory lol. Pfft. My handwriting is so strange though, sometimes its neat as fuck and other times its just not readable at all. I don't have my own handwriting. :( Seriously, if there was something written somewhere i could have done it and no one would know because they wouldn't recognise it as "my writing" lol! I'm going to go and have a shower in a bit if i can be arsed, i might have a nice long bath tonight instead, I'm not sure, depends if i go out or not, if i do then obviously I'll have a s hower be forehand but if not then ill just h ave a nice long bath before bed. Justin back tomorrow, that cheers me up no end. I miss him so much, it would be so nice to see him now and just give him a little cuddle. Unless you've done it you cannot comprehend the pain of being forced to hand your child over for 3 days out of the week. Or the extreme ambivalence of getting them back knowing you've never been happier but also knowing you have to give them away again in 4 days. I hate this. I hate t his SO much. and whats worse is the fact that i know i can't do anything to change it.

15:12pm.

For Christmas i would like damn near anything off this website http://www.voodoopickle.com/
Because it s all so cute. :) haha. Kirsty has no fags & her dads computer has a password so i went round any way and watched Jeremy kyle. I had to smoke my merry decorated fag that me and Ami did, so i took a photo first... Here we go... Hopefully i wont get food poisoning and die. That would be bad. : ( lol. I keep saying food poisoning, i mean ink poisoning. I would just go back and change food to ink and pretend i didn't say it but I'd rather lol at myself. lol. Right now I'm going to go have a shower and then either go to bed and contemplate the suicide i know i will never commit or go for a walk, i figure going for the walk will be more positive and probably the better idea, but then again, it is very very cold out. and i don't have much in the way of wrapping up warm. I don't have much in the way of anything most of my clothes and other things are all at James' i can't wait until I've got my own place and somewhere to keep all my things and such. I have my meeting with the bromford people tomorrow at 3. Hopefully it will be good but as far as I'm aware its just to asses my priority, I'd say I'm pretty damn high priority but they can't think that otherwise they wouldn't have waited so long to come out and see me, well that's my opinion anyway but i do understand that there are alot of young family's and such especially in this area and that they are probably extremely busy. Still though, me and my son will be homeless soon if we don't get the help we need asap and the money we need. I mean hopefully I'll have a plac e soon and I've got a funny feeling the council wont be half as lenient with the rent as my dad is. i like the way my hands look when i type fast, i like the way anyone's hands look when they type fast, its really cool to see someones hands just skittering across a keyboard, well i think it is anyway. Its a nice thing to watch. So for a little while I'm going to type total nonsense so i can watch myself type. Is that odd? I think its therapeutic, the only problem is when i get to a word i can't spell i slow down lol it looks like I'm running out of petrol or something when that happens, funny mind. lol okay so now i have nothing to write about at all and my fingers are starting to hurt so i guess I 'm goi ng to stop soon. Now will do. I still think it looks cool though. Maybe i should get a job as a typist? lol.

19:51pm.
I went to asda today to see Justin. James asked me to to cheer me up. :) I love seeing Justinnnn can't wait until tomorrow, i miss him so much. Brrr its cold, my hands are stupidly numb from walking home, from the bus stop not from asda... lol. and again it is my stupidity making me wear a teeny tiny vest top in winter. i tried that dress on from asda though, the one i wanted for xmas... It looks much better than the pho to suggests, honest. I tried a twelve but think i might need a ten... HOW EXITI NG. That genuinly exites me by the way, i'm not being sarcastic. :) I like getting skinny again, then again i haven't weighed myself in weeks... lol. I'm supposed to be on the pill now, i haven't taken it for ages, i think i took it twice if that. I can't be bothered, i'm not having sex so why bother? lol. Anyway thats what condoms were made for... lol. James apparently dosn't know why i don't want to try and sort things out. I can't be bothered to rant on about it but i think its pretty clear... Damn its SO cold. I don't even have a bloody jacket to wear either, well theres my coat but i don't really want to wear it in the house... Might pop round to Kirstys in a bit, i think shes out at the moment but as she offered to give me a lift home just as i was getting on the bus i imagine shes probably back by n ow? Idk i might ring her... I might just go to bed actually. Idk I'm feeling laaazzzy today. I really want that dress ^^^ but its £18 so its a case of lets hope my money comes through before christmas. Its not fair, this time last year i was in the hostel thinking "things will be better next christmas i'll have my own place and decorations and presants and it will be wonderful2 and sadly i'm being forced to think the same this year. Hopefully next year really will be different though? hopefully. every time i see decorations or anything i get really sad. I really want to have my own special christmas... next year i will, no matter WHAT it takes i will! Not that i'm not looking forward to christmas at Lou's i really really am and i'm so greatful at being invited. I'd just like to have my own christmas one day. it will be better next year anyway, Justin will be older and it will just be nicer. I h ope, It depends i guess what the arangement is... Hopefully i'll be d riving by then though so i could pick him up/drop him off without having to pay the earth for a taxi... Maybe? I don't bloody know. God life is a stress today. I HATE LOUISA. for anyone else that watches eastenders at ten i shant ruin it. BUT SHE JUST TOLD ME WHO ATTACKED MAX! damn damn damn damn damn i'm so annoyed. is there even any point me watching it now? *angry face * ily really Lou but grrr!
Someone buy m e these for xma s/my birthday?

IF IT WORKED, and i say if, then the pics are linked to the ebay page... lol.